Saturday Blues

Today, I cannot be arsed. I have little motivation and I have spent the afternoon lounging, with the TV on, but not quite taking it in. I did succeed in doing a run this morning, which did in fact make me feel great so I guess that was a positive for me. But after my shower I have been on the sofa playing games, on my phone, not quite being present. I’m not quite sure how I am currently feeling.

I feel a little in limbo today, unsure of what is going on and my concentration seems lack lustre.

I wanted to do sooo many things today and had options for choices with friends but after having yet another IBS flare up and a spectactularly bad night full of nightmares I feel a bit broken and lost if I;m honest. I’ve manged to avoid getting a take out or binge eating and I’m currently cooking a Katsu curry before I attempt to watch “you” on Netflix but I’m not terribly sure I have the concentration for it. Does anyone else get this, the lack of trying and just wanting to get back into bed.

By the way, I’m well aware that I am probably being too hard on myself. However I just feel like shit. I feel like I could cry and I’ve no idea why. Life seems more than a little bit too hard for me today and I wish to curl up in a ball. Do you know what I also feel like I need a cuddle, but not a chat.

Just a cuddle, someone to hold me and tell me it’s all going to be okay.

I think this is an emotional comedown from therapy yesterday and even though it was a good session ( I talked, tried and got involved), it also hit me hard on some unresolved issues that I know I need to talk about. However, I don’t know if I can talk about them at the moment. I did talk about my recent breakdown but it was if I was talking about someone else, another person that I watched go through that attempt. Even know just typing about it I feel low, and my heart has sunk. And I feel sad that I was even there. At the end of the session I was silly and hyper and avoiding feelings at all costs, avoiding being vulnerable and showing that part of me. My therapist realised and tried to ground me and I tried to get back on board but I was gone. And I think that hyper-ness carried on all day and into the vening and so now today, I feel like I’ve lost my shit all over again. I feel like what I need to do today is eat and go to bed and wake up tomorrow hopefully a completely different person.

This is the problem with BPD, I feel sooo much. I feel all the time.

And today, it is all a little too much for me to cope with.