Sometimes all you need is to get back into the things you love, oh and for your period to come. I know this is too much information but after yesterday I thought I had rapidly dropped into decline again. I take such an interest in my ” bad ” spells that I over react. I worry constantly that this feeling sad is the beginning of a spiral that left me broken. I worry that my brain has turned on me again, for the millionth time in my life and I am not going to be able to get back to who I am. I mean, don’t get me wrong.
I know we are not made to be happy all the time and that life and recovery are not linear.
There will be ups and downs and grey areas. I fucking hate the grey areas. I find it hard to sit with just being okay. Because most of my life is lived in the extremes of emotions. I’m either happy or sad not that middle zone in-between.
Again, the joys of having Borderline.
But yay, my period came, and relief flooded over me. My brain wasn’t fucking up again. It is more than that. It is almost like a second, third, whatever chance to know I can work at recovery again. I can try to keep up my positive side and I can try again with engaging in life. I get soooo sucked in by the negative emotions that one blip like yesterday really could lose me for more than 2 months. Lost inside my own mind. It takes an awful lot of will and strength to fight my own mind everyday and I don’t think people quite realise what that inner strength is or maybe how I do it.
Anyway, again I go off piste. I went for a bike ride to a shop, that was evidently shut, but that bike ride, in itself was more than enough to break the spell. The warm sunshine on my face, the crisp, fresh air making my hands and face numb. Unable to speak but able to feel. I love when that happens. When I can feel the cold weather against me, actually making me feel something, something other than sadness or anger, happiness or pain. It is refreshing and not to be taken lightly.
After the bike ride, with my no pick n mix. I went to see ” The Gentlemen” in the cinema by myself because that was what I needed. It was rammed but I needed to get back in touch with myself, getting lost in an excellent film and just sitting, and being astray in something. Now, the film was just so good, very well written, perfect actors and actresses for the characters and enough humour to not make me get sad. I’ve just realised whilst writing this that I write about my brain in third person. This has been picked up in psychotherapy. It’s like I disconnect from myself and as if my brain in not infact my brain at all.
Enough rambling now, I’m happy that my day came and went as it did today and so now I am going to light a lavender candle, have a bath and catch an early one.
Apparently I’m doing a 5k before work tomorrow so um yeah, wish me luck I suppose.
Katie's blog on life 