I told you it was gonna be a hard mental health day

So yeah, as I mentioned this morning this was a very hard day for me. It was like my mind wouldn’t stop racing but I was so tired. Sick and tired of all this bullshit. I had group therapy which was hard, hard as fuck, which I walked out of. I walked out because it was too intense. We were talking about how my current living situation and how it is reminiscent of my childhood. No, there’s no good here.

But how my current situation has inflamed any of the thoughts, feelings and actions I thought I had left behind back then. How my current living situation led me to, I believe my recent breakdown, my recent fall into the abyss. How my current situation has taken me back to my tiny years, unable to cope. I am going to copy an exert from my blog which I had to write as soon as I walked out of the therapy room. Written at the height of emotion, of being scared, frightened, anxious. No there’s no correct grammer and there is plenty of spelling mistakes but it is blunt and emotional and at least I got it out.

Worried about living with uncertainty, worried about undigested emotions with Dad – just need to get all of this out. Cannot go back to not knowing how someone is going to behave head feels like it’s going to explode – too much pressure.Too much thoughts that make me feel like I can’t can’t not anymore lead me to destruction.Can’t get this feeling out. Head shaking, heart aching, stomache churning inside head – buzzing away – need loud noises. need to run away.
FLIGHT FLIGHT FLIGHT

It is angry, scared, lost and broekn, but I am proud of myself for doing something different today. Yes I did leave the therapy room, but no I did not self-harm by punching walls or cutting. No I did not hold on to those emotions, for all of the day. And yes I went back into the room, which I would never have done 2 months ago.

Feeling destroyed and a little bit more broken after today’s therapy session. And then I had a doctor’s appointment this evening whereby I explained well I’m either gonna have a breakdown or a breakthrough and I’ve already broken down so I guess the only thing I can do is break through. Wish me luck for the rest of the week and for Friday.

Here’s to not breaking down but battling through.