And you try…….

And you try and you try . To help yourself get better and stronger and faster and fitter. And you keep going and keep going until it becomes routine or it breaks you. ‘Til you reach the end of no return. ‘Til your mind is altered one way or the other so you aren’t living in this grey area, this grey zone. You keep going until you can see not just in black and white but in colour. But is that true of a borderline, we quite often only see in black and white not shades of colour. That all or nothing thinking, those mood changes, the grappling with emotionality (yes I’m making that a word.) The moods we enter into, drastically changing from second to second, minute to minute, hour to hour. Unable to explain why it changes so rapidly but also unable to make people understand that this is just life, this is just how life is. I can’t quite cry but I can feel it, bubbling up in me until I explode into a fit of anger, one self destructive act. And I tell people, maybe I’m just tired, maybe I just need an early night but maybe what I am actually tired of is living a life ruled by extremes.

Extremes of everything – moods, food excercise, money, love, care, hurt. Tired of figuring shit out, yet wanting and waiting to be in that comfortable state which everyone else seems to be in. (Yes I am doing that BPD thing of jumping to extremes, of stating that it is this or that not the inbetween) .

I feel uncomfortable in my own skin today, not quite sure of what is happening and where my head lay. Of wanting and hoping that tomorrow will bring a better day, a different day with not so much good or bad, hate or love, happiness or anger. Just a normal day with normal emotions based on a normal life.

Today I’m all out of ideas.

Peace out x