Wednesday 15h January 2020

Today, I just got my head down and carried on. Just one of those days where ultimately I hid but also faced up to my anxieties.

Today at work a baby shower type thing losely was held for a member of staff who is heavily pregnant and leaving on Friday. Everyone else got told before and therefore bought food, drink, whatever was needed for the party but I was only told yesterday. that is too short notice for me, for sure.

I already felt bad about not giving money for a present and then I felt worse for not buying anything. Inside my own head I was thinking fuck it, no one is gonna miss me anyway. Is there any point in going?! So what I did was, I went and spoke to another person and I said look you know how it is, I struggle massively with groups, my social anxiety is already going through the roof just thinking about being in a room with that many people. How do you know what to talk about? How to follow the conversation. I was feeling anxious not only because of the amount of people fitting in a small space, the conversation starters I just mentioned but also because I am not so massively comfortable to eat with people whom I don’t know. I told her that this whole thing was really worrying me and so I definitely wasn’t going. I don’t need those extra emotions at the moement.

I literally don’t need that shit at the moment.

So, in the end I did do what I always do and avoided the thing that was causing me to feel those heightened emotions but I did in fact do something different, I used my words amd spoke to just one person, but one person is enough. I just had to tell someone what my beef was with it and how it was making me feel. Think that’s a win for me and I know in the grand scheme of things, talking probably doesn’t seem like much but to me it is. I quite often hold so much in that I end up exploding and then falling fast and deep into a well of negative emotions that this was in fact a +++.

And then I carried on my couch to 5K run despite my injury and then made a lovely dinner – Crab, prawn and courgette lingine if you are wondering. (It was delicious and you would have loved it) after a well needed bath because I needed to get those emotions out of my mind and out of my soul.

Now I’m in bed, hoping to be rested and ready for whatever the day brings tomorrow.

We got this ninja warriors!