Wow! Is that really what you are meant to feel like after a GOOD therapy session. I felt lighter, like a heavy load had been lifted off of me. I felt this sense of ease rush over me. And although I felt flat when I finished the therapy session rather than the usual elated / hyperness of detachment from emotions and feelings, as the day went on and on I became less stressed and more and more happy. Genuine happiness
Even though I felt incredibly sad in the session and my leg started bouncing to get rid off the sadness I think I did in fact work through a little bit of my emotions today. My therapist said to me at the end of the session today when we had literally 30 seconds to go, trying to make sure I’m grounded enough not to crash into a car or something or ride too fast down the hill. Anyways she said to me…….
Well done for today, I know that it was a hard session for you but you coped and used the session well.
I didn’t like the well done. It made me feel like I was a child so I retracted that from her but I did accept that I had worked hard today and you know what for once I do actually think the same as her. I carried on talking around the subject of my childhood, maybe not quite going into detail but at least not walking away from it or detaching from the emotions and feelings that are brought up when I think about it.
I feel I was brought up without a lot of the basics of life in my childhood love, care, support, food, electricity. living with an alcoholic almost absent father and a mum who did her best despite everything was goddamn hard.
Trust me, more than hard.
And I particularly feel I was not taught the initial skills of how to love, care and attach to people. Yet in adulthood I have to learn and process them. This whole therapy process is I guess, about me unlearning unhealthy patterns of behaviour, feeling, and attaching. I think I am finally getting it.
But today, I tried to stick with it, to try and figure out those feelings. I am a feeling person, so It’s incredibly difficult for me to work out why I feel something. I feel it just because I do. There is not thinking involved, I feel therefore it is. ( don’t worry, I know another BPD trait) I mean I know that is not reality, there are consequences for actions good or bad and one thing happens because of another but does that really happen with feelings? I’m not so sure. And I don’t know if I’ll ever truly believe it but at least today I tried to understand it!
I never thought I’d say this but cheers to therapy and cheers to getting it right for once.
Stay awesome people
x
Katie's blog on life 