Hangover blues

Does anyone else get this? That sadness that completely comes out of the blue after such an amazing night?! I mean come on, what’s that about? Is it about the world saying ” fuck you, you can’t be happy” or is it in fact a massive come down?!

I had such a wonderful time last night at the wedding reception and actually it was genuinely fantastic to not have that much to drink, to feel comfortable enough to just be me. The music was good enough, excellent in fact and the people were more than enough to stop me drinking heavily just to ease the social anxiety I had been feeling most of the day. The worry that I wouldn’t know what to say to people or how to act or what they are thinking about me and what I was wearing. I had a really fucking good craic last night, I kid you not.

And then this morning, out of the blue came the sadness and weirdly the need and want to self harm – these self-depreciating intrusive thoughts that just wouldn’t go despite how hard I tried to quell them. Normally, I have some kind of idea where these intrusive thoughts come from, an action or an event that causes my mind to flip over, but not this time. Not a scooby at all. The thoughts just popped in and then stayed. All motherfucking day. Proudly, I didn’t give in to these thoughts but they have been interrupting my thought process for too long today. Like little people inside my head saying “Just do it. You’ll feel better once you have. ” Images of self harm flashing across my mind and feeling like I’m making the wrong choice by not doing it.

But I forced myself out on a cycle ride to Richmond, a 6.5 mile cycle from mine one way and 6.5 miles back in the fresh, winter’s air. I stopped to take these photographs and to just marvel at the sun setting, easing itself into the night sky. And then I cycled back through Richmond park, cycling as fast as anything down the hill, my face and hands numb as cold as anything but like previously mentioned in a different post, welcome to feel anything at all.

The itch I can’t scratch is still there, over taking my mind so I guess a well needed early night with Lavender candles is needed for me, with Peep show on on to drown out those excessive thoughts and hope that I manage to get some sweet sleep tonight.