….

And I blog and I write and I run and I photograph and I do anything to ease the feelings that live within me. I would do almost anything to stop myself from feeling as much as I do. Whether it’s anger, sadness, happiness or frustration that builds up within me, I don’t often know how to handle it. I don’t know how to make the emotions feel less. My world often feels to be taken over by feelings, either irrational or rational. They come and go as they please.

Since blogging more I’ve noticed that my brain is more engaged in feeling, processing the therapy sessions, just. This in itself is not particularly a bad thing if I was a normal person with a normal brain but alas I am not so it is not a good thing. As of late, I feel more on edge, crying a lot of the time and overthinking. Man, definitely all of the overthinking!

But more recently than not, the emotions are taking over and there is only so much distraction and time filling that I can do.

Drink peppermint tea, they said. Use your crisis plan, they said. Go for a run, they said. Listen to classical music, they said. Call the team for extra support, they said.

But nothing quite distracts enough and for a long enough period of time to stop the thoughts and feelings that run through my brain. The irrational, self- hating thoughts that run and drag me down. The repetitive, time consuming counting just to stop my brain from thinking thoughts. Yes, the distractions help but I can’t keep on pushing this away. Not this time. This feeling of sadness which resides within me. The constant aching heart and weakened soul. The fighting to be happy and to keep pushing through. Each day pushing, pushing and pushing until I can push no more. I can’t keep pushing it.

I’ve been on my run and had a bath and still the thoughts go full steam ahead. So again, for the second night in a row, it’s a peep show on repeat and a peppermint tea night, just to ease into the bed time routine.

No more nightmares tonight please brain.