For once, I actually wrote a good one. A fucking good blog post – I actually managed to express how I feel and what I needed and then BOOM the site crashed.
I think, unfortunately, that is a representation of my day today.
Today I have managed to hide how I feel. How I feel like I’ve started to fall again but hide it so well from those around me. How I am scared for the me now. How I am unsure of how to hold on and fight for tomorrow’s me but unsure of how to also keep myself sane and rational. How on some days I do believe I have a good soul. I was talking to a friend earlier and saying that above everything, I do believe I have a good one but how it can so easily slide from one state beliving I am good to believing that I am terrible. How I slide from one extreme of emotions to the next. I know it’s hard to understand, I know that it doesn’t particularly make any sense.
You know what, deep down, I do think I have a good soul but that on days like today I feel worthless and sad and broken.
My almost too fragile mind that swings from one side to the other. How my self worth is so dependent on what I think others think and feel about me. And that this in itself is so fucking destructive. Having your life determined by the words of others but not able to stop it. Knowing that what you think in your heart is wrong.
How I was taught that growing up that showing and speaking about emotions is a sign of weakness. That I am fragile and sensitive and not allowed to do that.
Bloody hell, this post in no way near as good as the first. The first had much more empathy and control and was worded much more efficiently and coherently. Right now I’ve slipped into what I call is a bad spell and I’m going to blame it on the tiredness yet again because today, I feel like an alien in my own skin. I feel lost and scared and not quite sure of who I am and what to hold onto
Katie's blog on life 