Trust

This is such a hard fucking topic for me. Trust is such a key thing in order to open up and tell people what you are feeling. Even with those closest to me, I find it hard to tell them about my most authentic feelings and I still hide what sometimes feels like, the real me. And it’s weird cos I do trust my best friends, utterly, entirely but something in my mind stops me from divulging my most difficult feelings. It’s like I think I am going to be judged for how I think and feel even though I know deep down that I’m not. That they are good people and haven’t given me any reason to even suspect that off of them. But my mind just goes nope.

And it’s the same when I call my psychiatric team. I know that I need a bit of extra help but I don’t actually know how to ask them for it. And when I dp get around to calling them I kinda skirt around the issues, making things seem better than they are. It’s a coping mechanism. I never really let anyone get too close. Guess this means that they can’t hurt me by abandoning me mentally or physically.

And I don’t know why and I am not terribly sure how to change it but I do know it’s changing. 2 years of therapy has helped me be more open, no I’m not completely open but I am a lot more open than I was 2 years ago,

Baby steps. We just gotta take some baby steps.

My therapist.