Honest, raw and vulnerable

That is what I’m going to do here, today. Be honest, raw and vulnerable.

I have been up from 07:30 pondering life, actually I’ve been pondering how I have fallen very much so, during the last 2 days. I’m not going to lie, or sugar coat or try to make excuses today.

Last week was really fucking shit. Let me tell you that from the start. I felt my energy deplete, the self critical, destructive voices in my head got louder and louder. This has been happening for a few weeks and I’ve been trying to remain strong and positive but last week it all came to head. I self harmed 3 days in a row, not in ways that are obvious to anyone but I did. Talking to my therapist about it on Friday and she seemed appauled. I have a weird relationship with self harm anyway, I never see it as bad as it is on myself but maybe that’s because I don’t care enough about myself to see it as atrocious. But yes she seemed appauled at my actions and behaviour and if I’m honest a little frustrated. With me, with having to go back to crisis plans and crisis management which we have done 50 billion times over.

Sunday evening, all of Monday and Tuesday I don’t really remember. And it is that which worries me more. It’s like my own brain is failing me.

But what I’ve come to realise is that I’ve been getting steadily worse over a 3 – 4 week period and that is the amount of time my alcoholic flat mate has been back. I have noticed that I’ve just stopped. Stopped caring. Stopped trying with life, people, friends, therapy both group and individual therapy. Stopped thinking. Just stopped. And I think or rather I’m more certain than not is that I’ve been thrust back into survival mode, never knowing what is going to happen when I arrive home, making sure that my reactions aren’t too much or cause trouble. Feeling insecure and unsafe in myself and my surroundings. Going back to and reliving the same emotions that were within me throughout my whole childhood and unable to stop or control them.

I am doing the bare minimum to get by. I am in some kind of automatic mode, in a weird world, whereby time just flies by and I don’t know what day or hour or season it is. Whereby everything just accumaltes into one big mass until pop, I’m done.

And I know the signs very well but when I start falling I can’t stop until I have fallen off that bridge, caused havoc or stopped. I can’t tell anyone what is happening until it’s over and I begin to start to have a little bit of strengh to start trying again. To start breathing and noticing things. To see the seasons start to change by the flowers starting to grow and feel the wind on my face and to feel sad and lonely and upset and angry and just okay. To not go to sleep and wake up exhausted but to sleep and be a part of this world once again.

This time round, I appear to have noticed the fall quicker or maybe I’ve fallen quicker but I am trying to work through this, even if it’s forcing myself out on my bike to get some food which I can’t really afford but it gets me out, or if it’s sticking ridigly to routines and attending therapy and going to the cinema on a lazy sunday rather than watching the rugby alone and running 3 times per week and going to work and making food from scratch, All those things that fall by the way side when my mind is not okay. When I know that I’m not okay.

Maybe today or tomorrow I will begin to laugh again and sleep better and feel a tiny bit better.

Thank you, if you’ve managed to get to the bottom of this long post, I appreciate it!

Have a great Sunday x