Extreneous noise

Today has mostly been a good day, I mean I didn’t sleep very well with lots of horrible dreams but I guess when do I actually sleep well haha. So anyway, I digress I woke up in an okay mood despite the sleep and was working through the morning at work. Everything was going well blah blah blah, I’m boring myself now and then I had to leave for group therapy.

Normally when I have therapy I’m a bit sketchy emotionally which is perfectly acceptable considering it’s therapy, but today I was still good by the time I got to the hospital. I even had a joke with the therapists – shock horror! I know not like me at all. I’m just trying to get out of my survival mode. Anyway, so after check in the first person started talking and I thought “ Great, I’m gonna do this. I’m gonna stay present all therapy session” and that is when the noise started. Fuck me! It started with someone trimming the bushes or lawn, that grating noise rrrrrrrrrrrrr over and over. It was so loud it felt like it was in the room with me. Followed by some I don’t even know how to word it, banging but like into the ground Bash bash, bang, bang rrrrrrrrrrrr and a man kicking off with all of the shouting and swearing and aggressiveness fuck you, what you gonna do about it bruv. I am a patient here. You can’y kick me out bang bang bang rrrrrrrrr. Every time I got settled another noise came, louder and louder.

Today, I used all my strength just to stay with people talking but those extraneous noises did something to me. They made me feel sad, and out of it. The noises made my legs shake like no end and they made me so angry! They were so loud I couldn’t physically hear or remember what was being said to me by the therapist or others and I tried and I tried and I tried to stick with it.

After the hour and a half of noises had finished I felt exhausted but also more numb, I’m not sure. Like something had exploded in me and I just needed to curl up in a ball and cry. Gosh I needed silence and to cry so many tears.

But I had to fix my brain, go back to work and try and crack on. The afternoon was okay too to be fair and I managed a run and to make a crab, chilli and vegetable papperdelle. Meal one from scratch this week done.

But it got me thinking how fragile my brain is to noises and things I can’t control.

It’s a funny old world isn’t it?!