Yesterday, I began to write an open letter to my therapist explaining or rather trying to explain some of my emotions that I am currently experiencing but fuck me it was hard. I actually went from talking about a certain situation to to being absolutely cut off. And that was writing down how I was feeling. I found it tricky to stick to the feelings of hate, anger and sadness. It was almost as though as soon as they came, I needed to exchange them for something else. I couldn’t sit with them. I think personally it was the sadness that I couldn’t actually sit with, thinking back to yesterday. I think this is what happens in therapy. I get sad. I subconsciously change my mood in order to not have to deal with the sad emotion. In therapy I am often angry or hyper and my therapist always asks me what is underneath that and I always say nothing. I am blank just because I am. But now I fear that simply isn’t true. Underneath all this is just sadness, maybe grief. Maybe I am in the process of grieving for so many lost things, Things that I know, and those that know me know but that maybe I’ll go into on a different post.
How does one learn to stick with emotions and feelings? Rather than going straight to the extreme of the emotion. How does one learn to stay in the grey area? This is something that I struggle with a lot, black and white thinking, feeling, acting. Having everything as one or the other, not the in between. It’s normal and automatic for me. But I know that it is indeed not normal to go to such extremes on a almost daily level.
When I am thinking and not feeling I find it even harder to fit within the moulds that people, society and this world have created for me. I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb. And on some days I’m okay with that but on most days, this sticking out makes me feel like a fake, weird. It affects my self esteem and whether I think people love no wait like and care for me,
And as I said it’s a difficult thing to try and change but I’m sure as hell trying to,
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