Overall, on reflection, this week has mostly been a good one. I’ve managed to maintain an air of positivity whilst also living and breathing in a setting in which I do not necessarily thrive. My therapist asked me today but what has happened to make it it so and well I guess I didn’t really answer. I mean the good days are more often than not so few and far between I rarely take in what has made them good. I just roll with them until they become indifferent.
But maybe L is right, maybe something has happened. It’s weird. I’ve had this panicking feeling in my heart all week that well because I have less than one year of therapy and I’m going to be honest, I haven’t used it terribly well. I am always in and out of crisis. My ability to remain stable is somewhat haltered at the 3 week mark. Sometimes before, sometimes after but generally within 3 weeks of a good spell things begin to change.
I don’t think I allow myself to get better.
I have now officially spent more than half my life battling mental illnesses, maybe more. This is just what I can remember from the age of 14, starting with depression and some anxiety. I was always the odd kid. As I said to my therapist earlier today, maybe I was never meant to fit in or get better. Maybe this is all I am. I said to her, on good days I know I’m worth more than I give myself credit for but on my bad days I don’t believe I’m worth the good times.
This in itself is a hard thing to sort out in one’s own brain – those coflicting extreme viewpoints – almost pulling me from one side to the other. L also mentioned today that my group therapists, L and I are going to have a meeting next week because apparently I keep walking out and I am having too much contact with the team at the moment – outside of my sessions. So even though I am there, I am not using group and when I am present in individual, I do use it but those are few and far between. This got me thinking, I am using the team because I’m trying to stop myself from falling deeper into the depths of hell, instead of falling deeper into my mind. But maybe I shouldn’t – maybe I should go back to looking after number one. This meeting has upset and worried me.
Am I doing the wrong thing in asking for help? Am I meant to suffer?
It’s got me thinking again how few people understand me and how my brain works. I feel like I need time to just stop. You got it. Stop. No breathing, no cooking, no working, no eating, no excersise, no talking. Just stop.
But this is life, raw honest and beautiful and it just keeps going on and on and on.
Katie's blog on life 