my mind has been more than a little chaotic for the last week and a half. Tied in with that, birthday apprehension and then the birthday blues.
I’ve also been put on some medication Quietiapine to help stablise my moods and my impulsivity. I started on 25mg last Wednesday and now I am up to 300mg daily (150mg in the morning and 150mg at night). My mind feels all over the place, my arms, legs and body shake and I’m exhausted even after 9, 10, 11 hours of sleep. I cannot seem to grip on to things at the moment and my legs are weak and jittery. I am still vulnerable to heightened emotions and short fuses which I am trying to quell. I am in some sort of alien mode, whereby my brain is thinking faster and more randomly than I can speak. I am on hyper and hyper alert. I can’t wait for all this to mellow out.
My birthday falls on Valentine’s day which is both a blessing and a curse. I hate hate hate my birthday, only because I’m a massive introvert, dislike being the centre of attention and I also find it very tricky to deal with the expectations of being happy on my birthday. It has been a beautiful, amazing, heart breaking 5 days of birthday celebrations. I always expect more of certain people than I should. This year I tried to take it for what it was – fun, spontaneous and wonderful. Too many drinks, too much food, too much love and care from those whom I didn’t expect it from. I have felt loved and card for this year and I very much appreciate all of those who have put the effort in to make me feel special at this time of year. I have done everything I wanted and needed too.
Hopefully I can continue to blog but to also not uphold those expectations.
Next up on my blog, suicide as it’s so big in the media at the moment and possible Trigger Warning.
Katie's blog on life 