Never enough

Do you ever feel not enough? Not enough for friends or for family, always feeling slightly out of place and that people can be better, live better without you?

Not even in a ” I want to kill myself” detrimental kind of way but in a I do not make my friends and families lives better by being in it kind of way. I do not add colour and beauty but in fact take it away.

That’s how I am feeling right now. Don’t get me wrong, I know the thoughts and feelings won’t last but at the moment, in this moment, I feel like a failure, never quite having done enough in terms of actions or feelings or behaviour. I feel like I am not supporting my friends enough in what they are going through. Not being happy and cheerful enough.

I’m absolutely terrified that they will leave me, and then I’ll be left feeling genuinely alone because that’s what I deserve. I feel that I don’t deserve their love or care or support. I think, well rather I hope that I’m just tired and worried about therapy tomorrow.

I feel like time is running out for me, the days feel like they fly by, as if I’m in some kind of vortex that sucks time away from me. I feel like I can’t slow time down, I don’t know how to stop it. It is already the end of half term, meaning back to school on Monday.

Before I know it, 5 months is going to be gone and I’m going to have finished therapy and moving to fuck knows where. 2 and a half years of therapy gone, just like that. I had a review on Monday because I’m not using group therapy enough, not making the most out of it. I’m being a passenger on a ship that is trying to stay afloat. And inside of me I feel horrendous that I can’t use it – that I’m taking someone else’s place and not using it. I am genuinely really worried about the 5 months of therapy I have left, I am worried that I will end the process worse off than I started. I am worried that I will have opened a golden syrup jar and I can’t quite put the lid back on because all the gooey oozy liquid just keeps on coming out. Sometimes I feel like I was never meant to recover, I’m in and out of relapse and find it hard to focus on the things that I would like to change. 50 minutes of Psychotherapy is never enough for me to say all the things that have made my emotions heightened in the week that has passed. I can’t remember all the things that have made me feel. The comments that make me flip, the tiredness which controls how I deal with people and their emotions.

The fears, sadness, anger, grief are all finally coming out but they are coming out like a sloth climbing a tree or a snail trying to find a home. They are coming out in drips and drabs, not in one continuous log flume. They are short and stuttered and out of control.

I need the feelings to come out faster, I need to cry. Fuck me, I need to cry.

I need to try to get past this grieving stage of lost childhoods, lost love, lost care and try to find the light at the end of the tunnel. 15 years and counting of mental illness, of feeling these emotions, of dealings with these actions. I need to try to work through it.

But when I feel as I do now, I find it hard to even put the lid back on, I find it extremely hard to control those emotions and those thoughts. I find it tricky to keep the emotions under observance and control how they come out.

Please can someone give me some tips on how to trust, how to accept love and care and how to grieve all that I have lost throughout the years. That would very much make me feel human and alive again.