Is my brain going crazy? Does anyone else ever feel like they want to get rid of their own brains, switch up and swap it for a different one? I feel recently the thing that sits on top of my head is completely and utterly failing me. I haven’t managed to stay in a therapy session this week, both mentally and physically. On Monday I couldn’t sit with the feelings and walked out and today, fuck me today was just something else.
I was doing really well in the session, dealing with feeling sad and nearly crying. I felt sad because we were talking about trust and how when I was younger, How when I felt lost scared and broken aged 14 and reached out for help from school and from my family, I didn’t receive it. I was shut down and passed onto someone else who also didn’t have time (either mentally or physically to deal with me and I’ve carried this feeling, this almost regret with me for years and years -15 to be precise. I don’t trust anyone. Not really. I let people get close but not close enough for an exchange to happen. This leads me to pushing people away, whatever anybody does is never enough. I’m sorry. I feel like that there are people I’m closer to because of time and that is great but I don’t ever feel anyone knows the true me. I’m sorry to those people.
Anyways, I digress.
I coped with those feelings or being sad but then something in me switched, What were we talking about? Endings, I think and time going to fast and being panicked and unsure about my future, Of trying to focus and deal with time flying, of the past 15 years flying past me, Of not knowing how I will cope after therapy even though I feel like I don’t use it now. Although, my therapist says I do much better now. She said at the beginning, she did far more talking and I did more listening.
But all of a sudden, my mind started tripping over itself. I got sad. I started talking about my brain in 3rd person L says. I got it, it. It’s not mine. The brain that I wish that I didn’t have. Didn’t belong to me. L told me to talk about it in 1st person, calling it my brain. But I said it doesn’t feel like me, nothing is working together. I was out of my wits, scared of my own mind. I told L that I wished I had a different brain, my hands started clenching togther. Itching the back of my head. No focus. No control. I had gone completely off the thermometer that we are meant to measure ourselves on. 10 being overwhelmed and 1 being cut off. I was gone. Absolutely gone. The voices in my head started shouting and arguing with each other, I answered few questions from L because they were telling me not to answer my therapist. They were shouting so loud, fuck off. She can’t help you. Doesn’t want to help you.
L tried to ground me but I couldn’t hear the words she was saying, I don’t think. I think she told me to look at her and put my feet on the ground. She kept saying look at me,I couldn’t. Couldn’t maintain a gaze. Felt like she was looking into my soul. I think she asked me what I was doing this weekend and what I was doing after work but I didn’t answer, couldn’t answer, couldn’t participate. The voices were talking far too loud now. I tried squishing my brain on the outside, trying to make it stop. Angry. So fucking angry, And mute, I couldn’t ground myself. I felt scared. Everything seems to becoming more extreme these days.
And then I had to leave, go back to work. My jaw jolted, movents that weren’t controlled, head jerking, arms shaking. I had to blast the music into my ears to drown out the noises, the voices so I could go back to work and be normal. Whatever normal is.
Even the meds couldn’t stop me falling apart today š¦
Katie's blog on life 