Rain, mass media problems and that time of the month.

What a fucking week this day has been!

The relentless pouring of rain all day, with no ability to change back to last summer, has left me feeling more than a bit deflated today. I haven’t felt myself all week, mind. Monday and Tuesday let’s say were a write off. Emotionally, definitely. Then the hysteria built up from the media of Corona Virus. Come on people, with have dealt with viruses before – there is no need to mass buy Dettol and hand sanitisers and bleach. You just need to do what you have been doing, washing your hands like the NHS website tells us and has been telling us since day dot. Through the fingers, up to the wrists, all over. Just making sure you clean up properly after yourself after eating or sneezing or going to the loo. It’s pretty simple rules, no? But the media is instilling this kind of panic within people and I fucking hate it. They are making people think it’s unacceptable to breathe in public. They fill people’s minds with dread and worry and for me, that is not okay. I wish I didn’t have to hear the news or read the papers.

And then that time of the month, where I want to eat everything in sight. That time of the month alone is enough. But anyway, I got distracted. Where my emotions are even more overturned from before. Where I go from happy to distraught in a matter of moments, several times throght the day, no wait, hour. And heated exchanges happen because I have next to no ability to sit and mentalise my own thoughts, let alone everyone elses. I have rage over the smallest thing and I’m more prepared to say what I think to those in authority, of whom I should probably keep my mouth shut.

Then something that is not anything new since the last 2 weeks. Battling with the Quitiapine, my new medication this morning, that foggy, under focused spacey mind. The dry mouth, the eyes that don’t see. Scattered vision, zooming in and out, focusing in the wrong things. Breath short but not short enough to go and have a lie down. The picking up and dropping my phone 4 times in a row because my hands don’t quite work yet. The dis-coordinated arms and legs, trying to walk me to my classroom to try and speak. The lack of hearing so having to put songs on repeat or ask people to tell me what they said 3 times. Never more, if I can’t hear by the 3rd time then I’m not hearing it at all. Feeling unsure at the moment as to whether I should carry on taking it or whether it’s leaving me too checked out. It certainly isn’t helping the self-conscious, worried part of me. It’s made me put on a lot of weight in just a few weeks and I’m worried. Worried that I’m never full and will go back to being that ridiculous weight again. Whether the physical symptoms are worse than the emotional ones. I’ve been able to access more of my brain and talk to proffessionals better about one symptom in particular that has been in me a while but I have never felt able to, because I’m scared it will make me seem more crazy. And managing to tell someone about another one which I hate and will never talk about because it makes me hate myself that little bit more.

Back to the same old, same old, wishing I had a different brain or at least a better one.