Attachment central thrown into melt down, trying to be happy. I said congratulations but didn’t really feel it. Oh and no she won’t be able to finish of the treatment programme with me. I already feel abandoned from people in my life and now bosh, this. L asked me today how I feel about it and I got a buzzing in my ear when she told me. I didn’t want to talk about it but because I’m in and out of emotional turmoil at the moment, especially at the end of seasons ( which L thinks is separation anxiety) we had to go back and keep talking and talking about it. I’m not terribly sure how I feel about L telling me she is prgnant. I was shocked, very much so. And it has thrown me into a little bit of a tiz-woz. I have been seeing L for basically 2 and a bit years and she knows a heck of a lot about me. Who is going to take over from her? (Mind you, she did say I could have a say in it but that they are also thinking about it as a team). Will they know me and my back story? Will they know when to push me or not? Will they know ky triggers? Will they be able to help me or will I bullshit them?
The last two months of the programme without her, I’m actually going to have to have an ending not what I do and just leave people, drop them like it’s hot. Ahh, guess we are gonna keep on talking about it. Guess it’s a good thing.
Maybe I genuinely need to have a big old think about it and about how it actually is going to affect me. I don’t think I feel happy for her, I feel aad, let down and abandoned. (Typical person with BPD aren’t I?!) That’s what people do to me anyway. But it’s not all black and white, we are multi layered and I need to try and see the grey areas and the layers and not what I want to see.
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