Feeling fed up

Oh fucking hell, roday I am just feeling so fed up of the world, of the government, of Corona Virus, of working in a school when the government suggests to avoid socialising and being with more than a set amount of people but being forced to be in a place where there is definitely more than that limit. Of being in some sort of forced isolation because no one wants to see anyone because they are scared of catching Corona. Or having people who are important to you who are high risk or have weakened immune systems because of previous health conditions. To cinemas closing, my one bit of personal space that helps me unwind and gives me time to collect my thoughts. Yes, I feel like I am living in an apocolypse – trapped inside my hole, unable to escpe, Completely and utterly screwed. I feel as though everyone has gone fucking mental.

To, and yes this is a big one that has pissed me off a little too much today, having group therapy cancelled first ( yet the schools are still open) to hearing that my individual session will be via phone, if at all. This, is the hardest thing, Firstly, I don’t like talking on the phone anyway – it makes me feel anxious, I know less when it is my time to talk, I interrupt, I get hot ear, I stutter. Secondly, I don’t actually have a safe space in which I could actually take this phone call, The house in which I currently reside, I don’t feel safe in – I live with an alcoholic, who today when I entered the house, was passed out on his back, on his bed with his door wide open. He claims he is self isolating. Alas I do not want to get into this. I don’t feel safe in here and I definitely would not be taking a phone call in here which he can hear everything I am saying, I wouldn’t be able to be honest knowing someone else was in here, whether they are sober or not. Lastly, I’m worried I can lie. My facial expressions show a lot of me – when you take away that face to face meeting, you take a lot away. You take away when you can tell somone is feeling stressed or sad or upset without even having to ask them. But also I couldn’t also take this phone call at work. One of the therapists suggested that I go to a local park – what if it;s raining, what if I dissociate. WHAT IF? WHAT IF? WHAT IF?

I don’t know what I am going to do about this and don’t get me wrong I sure am grateful they are still running for the time being, it just doesn’t fit very well with me, I am kinda confused cos I don’t know if a physical break would be better but I also know I am beginning to struggle with my thoughts again at this time and need some support,

Ahh Corona, you have made your point.

Kindly fuck off now please!