I don’t think people realise how much strength it requires to fight ones mind on a daily basis. I had a terrible nights sleep followed by a morning lazing in bed. That just led me to deconstructive and irrational thoughts. I wasnt calling anyone and I wasn’t texting anyone back. So what I did was slowly started to get changed, putting on my running clothes and shoes for ‘ just incase ‘ when I’m out and I forced myself out of that door.
I cannot say that was an easy affair because it wasn’t and to say it was would be to wrong myself. It would be incorrect and do me a disservice. But as I was saying, I forced myself out of the door. One step after another tiny feet. Just go. Wherever you take me, I’ll go. I still had that aching sadness within me, you know the one that nothing will quell. No amount of talking or hitting or eating or music would dissolve that feeling. Alas, I went. Left foot, right foot, cardboard box.
I told myself if you wanna just run for a minute that is fine, if you wanna run for 10 that is fine, if you wanna run for an hour and 10 that is fine. I placed no pressure on myself to run. ( okay a little). There is a route near me which goes up and down hills but by the time you get to the Common it is 5km. So I did that.
My quickest 5.01km – 28 minutes and 30 seconds.
And then I carried on a little bit more huffing and puffing and forcing my body round each corner, up and down each street.
7.02km – 39 minutes.
And then home 8.26 km in 46 minutes and 49 seconds. Running helps me. It truly does but because I am such a creature of habit if that had been on a non running day, I wouldn’t have done it regardless of whether it made me feel better. A walk yes but running no.
And now, I feel light headed, hyped up but not silly. I feel enough.
I gotta keep doing this. Keep moving one step after the other. Keep on going forward
But fuck me is this hard work.
Katie's blog on life 