Fucks sake

I just wrote an incredibly good blog post about what’s going on for me – how I think I’m actually okay and happy but I keep waking up early early – 5 am and today 4. My head hurts and all my words were used on the last post that magically disappeared. I’m having these weird dreams that are incredibly realistic. They are knocking me for 6 with their murders and brutal attacks and how I have no way of stopping these things happening. They all have an air of me being stuck. These have been happening for the last 2 weeks especially, but it’s like I am watching myself through the view of someone else – yet I cannot see myself. There was more on this but I can’t find it. I’m wondering if anyone else’s sleep routine is getting a bit messed up?

I have gone back to work this week – it has great to have some fulfilment and being needed but I am absolutely cream crackered.

I also mentioned that I only have 6 well 5 because of the bloody bank holiday with my therapist and I’m defitely putting off thinking about someone who has been in my life for over 2 years. The rational part of me says that you are okay, you didn’t cause her to go but the irrational part of me says this is all your fault – you made her go, see no one ever sticks around.

I’ve gotta go cos my head is making me feel like my eyes need to shut and I feel slightly sick. I’m hoping for a normal bed time and a normal wake up but who knows.

Night kids.