Video calls got me thinking…..

I haven’t belly laughed like that in ages – there is something beautiful about being altogether with your siblings and your Mumma and laughing- feeling comfortable and bouncing off of each other. I mean we soent most of the video call laughing at Mumma trying to sort the audio and the picture on the video call but at least we didn’t get ears or ceilings or nostrils.

So, as you have probably guessed, I ‘zoom-ed’ my family today. I had been feeling a little left out, as they are all back in Sussex. I was thinking they were going to each other’s doorsteps and having a cuppa but they haven’t been. We have never been a family to live in each others pockets, I mean I would like a little more than we have but we just aren’t like that. But when we are together, the once introvert side of me gets lost in a world full of laughter and happiness.

Don’t get me wrong, we aren’t perfect and I have a hard time with them but I am trying to be softer on them and myself. This whole Corona Virus thing has given me ample time to stop, pause and reflect. And no, that isn’t necessarily a bad thing but it has let me to do some thinking about how harsh I am. My therapist said more than once yesterday, ” You don’t let people into your mind, Katie. Does anyone know what is going on in there?” And I guess, well if I am honest with myself I find it extremely difficult to let people see that vulnerable side of me.

So, I am trying to be softer. Trying to shed shed that tough outer exterior that no one can fight through. The wall that is too high and the bar that is set too high.

If I continue to place the bar so high, I will live a life alone, Not alone in the sense of not having people but alone to fight my mind. I need to realise that if I give just a little piece of me to someone, anyone, it doesn’t make me weak. It doesn’t have to mean that I am split into a tiny, thousand pieces. It just means that I have more support to face the world. And it is okay if that support is only there for 2 years or 2 months or 2 days or 2 hours – that is support that I would never have received if I hadn’t had let my guards down.

I am trying to be softer with my family too. Just because we weren’t brought up with the skills to communicate and trust and support one another – doesn’t mean we can’t learn them.

I need to try and let them in a little so that they can help. How can they help if they don’t know?! We can lean to tell each other our troubles and insecurities and guide each other through the tough times. We can laugh and be silly – not everything has to be silly all the time.

But on the other end of this – if my family aren’t the ones I can let in, then I have a wealth of wonderful friends who are sometimes, most of the time, more like family to me anyway. We don’t have to be connected by blood to be there for each other consistently and long lasting. They are there for me through thick and thin, always willing to lend a hand and a smile and a supportive ear.

I just have to let myself be softer and unshielded – willing to take that risk and let it all out. Just do it.