Emotions and how to hold them.

Work has got me thinking and well each time the action which I’m about to tell you about happens, I get thinking.

I work with a child with ADHD and Autism, and quite often I have outbursts which I have to deal with. The anger and the rage that comes, apparently put of nowhere is immense. We have now got into a routine whereby I know if the child is playing me – manipulating situations to get their own way. But also sometimes I feel I;m being tested as to whether I can handle such emotions from them – the anger, the frustration which is shown by throwing chairs, pushing over tables, running away.

Fuck me, all of rhe running away.

Sometimes I feel like he is testing me to see what my reactions are, whether this is a safe space to explode or whether I am going to react like quite a lot of people in his life do – shouting, hitting, swearing.
I wonder if my calm, stubborn facade gives him the strength to explode.

And it got me thinking about me, about my childhood and having a safe space to share and express my emotions. I didn’t have one. That wasn’t there, I had reactions to my emotions which were normally negative and maybe that is one of the reasons I find it hard to trust people with my very fragile emotional mentality. L has said to me more than once,

“Don’t worry, I can handle your anger, your sadness, your frustration”

And I just don’t believe it, but remember I am being kinder and softer with myself and I feel I might be able to try and give myself that safe space, other people’s strength and resillience to let me try.

But it’s a weird subject – the very act of allowing the child to express what he needs to and understanding could give home more strength that I realise. Having someone take your emotions and hold them for you, take it in but not take over – not tell them what they should or shouldn’t feel. Just hold them.

And no, I don’t just do this with him, but all the children in my school and all the children I have or will look after. I think like I have just said that will give them more emotional stability then they realise. It will hopefull help them grow into secure people as they continue to flourish.

And I can’t help thinking, I wish someone had done that for me but maybe that is why I am so ready to not fail any child, emotionally or physically.

Lemme know what you think!