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The trio of many emotions that I felt this morning. I started off feeling confident and happy and then within 10 minutes for no reason with no explanation I went to the last. Flat, done in, sad, crying 5 tears and emotional. I’d been feeling it since yesterday evening. Bank holidays are hard at the moment – 4 days to fill instead of the usual two. Double the amount of time for thinking and planning. I’d coped with the first 2 really well, seeing a good friend for a socially distanced chat and then a run yesterday followed by reading in the sunshine and a lovely dinner but as the night time fell my mood started to change.

I don’t know why, It just happened. Now here is the point where my therapist would say ” emotions don’t just happen” L tells me there is always a reason for them. Maybe I don’t know the reason yet but the feelings carried on through Saturday nights, not allowing me to sleep and waking me up with birdsong at 5am. Then this morning the happy emotion was replaced with the sad, the frustrated. i literally went through the motions within 10 minutes, just like that.

Like someone had cast magic over me, clicked their fingers and then just like that all the above emotions came.

I think bank holidays are hard because this is a time like no other, time that I would be highly likely to be spending with those that I want to be with, not those that I have to be with. And actually just because I am with people here, in this house does not mean I am not alone. I feel alone here. Right now, with Covid – 19, I am at the stage where I just need to be hugged and cared for and shown that I am loved.

A good friend mentioned the other day that I am very sensory, I wasn’t quite sure what she meant at the time but having thought about it I think I am. I need to see people via video calls to see that they are listening, that they are caring and engaging. I think I rely on smells and music to change emotional states and I need to feel nature.

Today, in my funk,I just needed to get out and feel. Feel the wind making me cold, making me shiver, just to feel alive. I needed to touch and see the leaves, the trees, the grass, the smell of flowers, the birdsong in my ears, the fericious wind howling through me, dragging me forwards and back, te aches in my legs, the taste of food. Anything to get me back to who I am.

Sometimes, when I get like I was this morning I don’t feel like myself. I feel like I am some alternative person. I am unable to see and feel me until the requisite motions have been filed and applied. I feel like an alien in my own skin. I feel my head exploding not with curiosity but with shame and with Fuck no’s not again.

Today, I’m glad the reaching out to friends and reaching out to nature has made me feel a bit more alive. I’m not going to lie, it hasn’t made me completely and utterly me, but a little more on the way to me and I’m hoping that a good night’s sleep will make me feel right again. But if it doesn’t, I know my people to turn too, I know sometimes you have to fake it make it and sometimes you need to feel the emotion, sit with the emotion and process the emotion to get by.