Gosh, therapy was hard today.

So woaaaaah, therapy was very difficult for me today – firstly I didn’t get enough sleep because I’m worried about viewing this house, don’t know if it’s meant to be but I know that I’m desperate to get out of my current living situation. It’s confused me – I know it’s the right thing to do but maybe living with a mum and her child is not what I need but then again maybe I need some stability. Maybe that’s what I crave. I’m so over living in house shares with triggering alcoholics and drama and arguments.So when therapy started I’d already ridden for 20 minutes trying to get rid of the feelings and when therapy started with L, i was disconnected- cut off from feeling. Feeling anything. At one point I felt like I was floating above my body – I know I was here on the ground but I wasn’t there. Felt spacey and unaware of the words that kept coming out of my mouth. I tried to reconnect with myself but I kept looking away from the screen, not in her eyes – trying not to let her see into my soul, see my vulnerability.

L is leaving, I have 2 more sessions with her and then bosh 2 and a half years of therapy over and done with. She asked me how it feels and I’m not sure. I don’t think I’m processing the pregnancy – this morning I had a flash thought that she wasn’t even pregnant but that she didn’t want to work with me anymore. I didn’t entertain this thought for long but in my panic induced state this morning this is what came – I told L about it. She said is it because you think that no one cares for you so this is an easier way of looking at it rather than the hurt, the hurt of someone important in your life leaving. And maybe it is that or maybe it’s the fact that in therapy there is no hiding place. She has seen each and every part of me whether I have liked it or not – there has been no playing pretend and maybe that’s what I’m going to miss. Feeling comfortable and that’s where I need to find the strength and show my friends all sides of me too, no matter how vulnerable I am. She also mentioned this – I feel safe with her and how true. I don’t think I have felt internally safe much in my life, maybe not at all – constantly living in this survival mode – unsure of what is going to happen next.

Lastly, L asked me ” You were thinking of moving home, are you still thinking about that? Or are you planning on staying in London” My answer straight away was, “I don’t know if I’m staying in London but I do know that my family creates too much emotional instability for me. I can’t go home to that. It’s not helpful for me”. And it got me thinking my families love and care is based on conditions that I have to meet – me 90%, them 10%, sometimes not even that. I know that we are never going to be the family that I want and need and I need to grow to accept that. It’s now a when issue and not an if. I think I need a different kind of therapy that allows me to work through my deep rooted issues. Because whilst I’m still hurting and grieving for lost childhoods, for traumas I’ve been through I am never going to be able to move forward with the things that they offer with this service and that is quite a big realisation. And that thing with the family has got me feeling sad and not at all like myself but I gotta trust that it will all work out. Gotta start believing in myself cos maybe that is all I have.