Father’s day, smarthers day.

From as far as I can remember this has always been a difficult day for me. Up until 2 years ago I felt forced to see my father, find a card that had words in it that I didn’t mean. But there was never a card that said ” Thanks for never being there, thanks for never showing me love or care, thanks for making it seem like my fault” or simply ” To a massive prick of a Dad, I hate you”. There was never those cards, the cards that said what I really felt. The few years before I stopped talking to my own father in 2019, I jumped on my sisters cards. She always picked ones that meant something so I guess it looked like I cared too.

But late March 2019, I stopped. I stopped all contact with my Dad but days like today where everyone is posting all over Instagram and Facebook about what amazing Dad’s they have still makes my heart hurt. Why was I never enough to get the love or care that I so craved and wanted? Why were you not there for me? Did I do something to make you as awful as you were? The posts today got me thinking, is it all for facade or do people have those genuinely loving and caring relationships with their parental figures.

I have such a distain for my father, that (well apart from today), I always text or got my mum a card which said Happy Father’s day. She basically raised us alone, making us strong independent women, but maybe I put her on a pedal stall too, such was my hate for him. The man that did me wrong, The man that I am trying to grieve for, the loss of not one but 2 parental caring figures, the loss of a childhood.

Today after spending what seemed like hours, tidying and packing up my room for a move next weekend, I went on a much needed walk. Flip flops were worn half of the way but around the common, on the grass and the pavement on the way home I wandered barefoot – almost as I needed something to feel. Something to ground me. The earth connecting with my soul as I wandered through the days, wandered through my emotions. If I could not wear my shoes, then I think I would spend the rest of my days connecting my soul to the world around me.

Sorry, I’ve been absent – a lot has been happening but I’m gonna try and get back to it again.