I think my attachment style has changed.

So before when I looked back at my childhood, I always thought that I was part of the insecure attachment style and under the 3 umbrella terms – I thought that ambivalent suited me best. This is where the child.

The child fails to develop any feelings of security from the attachment figure. Accordingly, they exhibit difficulty moving away from the attachment figure to explore novel surroundings. When distressed they are difficult to soothe and are not comforted by interaction with the attachment figure.

So given my upbringing this totally makes some sense – I have trouble being soothed when I experience extreme emotions and only really get through them through time. When an event has passed, I feel more capable of talking about the event or the emotion. But until then I stumble and meander through the issues. And don’t get me wrong, I know that people are there for me – my friends I know that they understand and will help if ever I call but part of me tells me that they aren’t there – hence the ambivalence.

But more recently and after speaking to a new therapist who kept saying “It’s understandable that your attachment has been messed up ” or “your attachment style dictates this”. I’ve come to think that maybe my attachment style is more Inscure disorganised attachment. This is

thought to be an outcome of abuse and trauma in childhood. For example, stemming from when an attachment figure offers inconsistent emotional support and/or abuse. This can include verbal, physical or sexual abuse or the child witnessing an attachment figure commit a traumatising act. In either case, the consequences are twofold; the child understands the betrayal of safety that has occurred, and the child understands that a beloved parent or parental figure can become a serious threat to anyone in his proximity, including the child. At this point, the child learns that the attachment figure (who he or she loves and who is responsible for his or her safety) is also someone to be feared.

Particularly this attachment style is linked with the desire to be loved and cared for, to feel a connection with others – me, me, me and the need to survive – self protection, also me, me, me.

And do you know what it’s bloody irritating having that constant push and pull – never quite getting close enough to someone for fear they will leave, never allowing myself that comfort, that connection. When starting new relationships or friendships, they are everything and then I get stuck and too reliant or people don’t think I care because I have that lack of reply in me. I worry what they think. Get too attached and then when the person leaves as they ultimately do because of my behaviour it is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I dunno, thoughts for my mind, thoughts for my soul – gonna keep looking at this insecure disorganised attachement and see what I can discover