Buzzed in and waiting like a member of the MI5. ” Who are you here to see? ” And so I state whom. Through the next set of doors. Wash your hands here and head to to 3rd floor reception where someone will sign you in again. Up I trundle, the stairs making my forehead sweat under the mask. Not quite able to breathe but doing it cos I have to, we all have to.
Met on the 3rd floor by a lady behind a clear perspex screen who says again, who are you here to see? I’m here to see Dr M I reply. Great, she will be with you soon. You can sit anywhere you like. The room is empty, the radio up a little too loud everything eerie. Crissed-Crossed chairs align the waiting room. There I sit, fingers twitching. She meets me and seems to sign me in. I see Dr M but I do not recognise, she makes a joke but I do not laugh.
Avocado-esque scrubs and hands covered by gloves. Masks covering face so I could only see eyes. Entering the room and sitting not quite 2 meters apart. The door in the way of the chair. Hot breath steaming through my mouth and cotton mask into my glasses. Unable to see but also losing concentration. Foot tapping, computers not working. Emails not sending. 10 minutes passing. Luckily for me Dr M doesn’t stop me. She let’s me talk, knowing me for over 5 years, she knows sometimes I just need to get it out. She lets me talk my feelings out and tells me what I’m thinking is not what she takes as I tell her ” I don’t want another appointment, I don’t deserve it…… you have other patients to see “. “Now let me correct you Katie, you are important and deserve the help like everyone else – it is up to me to help you.”
Sorting out discharges and new support and home support for when I’m away. We talk about Trauma Therapy and how I think I need it before I can do the programme I was doing. She says the local IAPT do EMDR therapy, she says it’s highly recommended for trauma. She says that part of recognising what you need is part of making steps forward but that I almost always self sabotage. I find it hard when things ars going well – which is true. But she knows. I tell her I’ve been thinking about the open water swimming that she recommended 5 years ago and she replies, I’m all for excersise. You know that. Speaking – just having an appointment where I’m not looking at my phone or rather the world outside or spinning on my chair which all my recent appointments have been like. Just having that personal connection for the first time in 4 months.
I’m grateful that Dr M saw me today and phoned up the people she needed to. I’m grateful she adorned the scrubs over her clothes despite how hot it was. I’m grateful for her listening and for always trying to see me and not my illness. I’m grateful that she speaks to me in sensical words and doesn’t let me go off on a spiral and I’m grateful for her always letting me go over the 10 minutes. Always without fail. Grateful for great doctors and people who understand mental health. For those who try to help despite what my brain tells me.
Grateful.
Katie's blog on life 