Chameleon

I’ll tell you this for nout – I’m a chameleon. Today I woke up, having had enough sleep but maybe still tired from yesterday’s antics. I had gone swimming in the sea and cycled 20 miles to the local major city. It was a beautiful day and the sea is so much my calm place. Maybe the 20 miles on top, in 22 degree centigrade sun was a little too much for me.
I woke up feeling a bit I dunno, okay – not good but not bad either. I had breakfast ( yawn, I am so boring. Sorry haha) and I met up with a few friends. One I had seen a few days before and we had an excellent day just catching up and being ourselves and one whom I hadn’t seen in a while.

I went in with the open mind of having a great time with friends but the energy between us seemed lacking. I found it hard to not chameleon-ise with the one friend who seemed quiet and withdrawn, the one whose conversation didn’t seem to flow. Now, I do understand how we can not always be what we need to be to other people but I find it interesting that I completely fell into that quiet, almost anxious state. Tired and lethargic, unable to hold conversations rather than with my friend whom I saw a few days earlier. I actually got upset and sad. I spoke with them about somethings that maybe I wasn’t ready to say or maybe wasn’t the right space but I did but maybe I didn’t get the response that I wanted or needed and it felt that information was just dropped and not really taken in. Maybe that’s why I then found it hard to converse – maybe I thought fuck it. Maybe I felt misunderstood and not heard.

I was meant to call another friend afterwards, whom I have neglected recently – unsure of how to tell her what’s been going on with life and therapy and almost stopping talking to her because I want it to be good news. I know that isn;t real life though so I have to maybe just jump the gun and try. But with this friend I felt like I had to be in a good mood to speak with her so that you know I don’t seem so pessimistic. But anyway because I felt sad, and tired – the hot run and bath didn’t do much for me, I did not call. I text her and explained and I got the most wonderful response back. She was okay with me taking my time to look after myself, yet I still felt that guilt. The guilt of not calling, of feeling like a bad friend for cancelling the call. She told me to stop saying sorry. And then I said sorry for saying sorry haha.

Having BPD and being an introvert is hard sometimes. I just have to take the day for what it is so right now, I’m chilling out with the TV and a cuppa. I might play some games and not talk to anyone. I think I just need some time to myself, processing this week and what I have in store. Just some chilled time alone to recharge.