I had to force myself out

Today, after lying on the sofa for more than 4 hours watching shit TV eating all of the food and not facing the phone call that I was meant to take. But my friend sent me these cute ass videos which after a few too many hours of mulling inspired me to get out into the sun again. She made me remember what it was like to feel alive, to love nature and the views of Norway she sent me was just so picturesque..

Finally I made the decision to get out, I put on my flip flips, destined not to be out for long but long enough to ease the sadness and numbness that had taken over my heart, my soul. The want to stay in my joggers, without a bra on was high but not high enough. I knew deep down that if I stayed in, the feeling of moroseness would have encapsulated me, drowned me.

There I am, wandering up the hills to the downs that are near me, classical music talking to me, taking me to a softer place, a more relaxed calm state of mind and feeling, yes feeling the sun on my skin, the nature in my eyes.

I get through the rocky paths in the woods and reach a recently cut hay field – I take of my flip flops and I walk barefoot over the hills and my feet don’t stop. They continue to go over the hills, feeling the dry ground under my feet. The music which ws turned off at the top of the woods is now replaced by wind howling in my ears, sheep baa-ing, my feet flip flop-ing.

I keep going until I reach the trig point and I know that the view I see is breath taking, I can see the sea, the downs, the sheep. I can see cliffs, I can see grass. I can see nature – good old british nature at it’s finest. I wander down the hill the 45 minutes back to base, with my shoes sill off. Still feeling. Still grounding myself.

On my way back, with my phone on less than 6%, with the memory telling me it is full up. I see the sun bursting through the trees. Mesmorising.

And at the end of the day, at the end of this day:

I am glad that I forced myself out. I am glad that my friend inspired me with her walk, I am glad that I connected with nature and was honest with people. I am glad.

And on these days, where I have to try try try, these hard days I believe that I am stronger and braver than people think.

And on that note I am off to bed.

Good night.