Date day

So at the beginning of summer (3weeks ago), I went back to playing on Tinder and I began chatting to this guy. He messaged me first and sent long messages. It’s been over a year since I last went on a date and well the last guy was pretty weird to say the least and well let’s just say it didn’t work out.

So we had been messaging for a while and we decided to meet up today, just for a walk along the beach and I thought well I should meet, before I go back to London again just to see if we had a connection because you can spend so long talking to someone and then meet and go oh fuck. This is a step forward for me, normally I’ll talk to them for months, my BPD and fear of abandonment will creep in and the I won’t meet the guy at all. So you know what, fuck you BPD.

I was feeling so anxious yesterday and this morning, falling between wanting to meet O and not, thinking I’m not good enough and I am. But this morning, it was a run day, maybe a blessing in disguise. I ran for 50 minutes solid, up the downs getting all my feelings out.

And then I just thought, you know what, I’m gonna go. If he likes me, he likes me and if not all I have done is walked for the afternoon.

We met, and it was really lovely, he was really laid back and he was well spoken and had a soft voice, neither of us controlled conversation and that flowed. I text him after to say that I had a lovely walk and he said be did too and if i was free before I go back would I like to meet.

A couple of months back I would have told him about my BPD as it consumed me but I didn’t tell him today, not out of fear of him running away but because it is not all of me. There is so much more to me than my illness, I am kind, empathic, loyal funny, dare I say it – beautiful. I have I interests and hobbies and I have a core group of people whom I love and care for and who love and care for me too. I am important and I am worth so much.

I am me and today there is no one else I would rather be.