Double edged sword.

Lockdown has changed me.

These days, I spend my time listening to people and talking about them and their lives. I don’t feel like I fit in anywhere and I don’t want to talk about myself. I feel trapped in this kind of charade where I have to keep up appearances – keep on doing things – keep on being positive but really what I’m doing at the moment is not a lot.

I seem to have lost myself and my spark and I don’t know how to get it back.

Family and friends don’t seem to ask about me and when we are on larger zoom calls, I’m the one whose life isn’t talked about. And some days I’m okay with that, it makes it easier but other days I feel like the whole long distance friendship thing has really effected me. I feel that I’ve actually lost a lot of people, lost my connection with people.

I find it hard to send messages checking in on people, checking they are okay – maybe actually that’s easier than the whole long text replies. I end up not getting onvolved in conversations – it feels too overwhelmong for my mind to cope with nd my concentration for these tasks is minimal.

I do know there are quite a few people who I have neglected in the last few months, maybe years now, because I feel there is nothing to say. That I am not important or interesting enough. It’s worse with those who I care about – my friends and family because I feel I should be there and be present when they are talking. Conversations feel still, and awkward. I get scared I guess that the conversations aren’t flowing – the chat feels stuck – and then I get silly or hyper to remove my worries. To remove the awkwardness.

Maybe I’m giving off this scent to people that I don’t want to talk about me so we don’t. And for that I’m sorry. I feel lost and I feel like people can’t bring me out of myself. I don’t want to meet up or catch up with friends whether through skype or in person. I’m barely showing up . I feel like I’m on some sort of automatic, not really sure which days are which. I respond in conversations but my heart isn’t in it. I feel lost.

I think I’m depressed.

Or rather I know I am but I don’t know what the heck to do about it. I could easily spend my time in bed, not actually knowing what i’m doing but with time passing so very fucking quickly. I’m irritable and have trouble concentrating. I’m eating too much and I find it hard to be present. I’m training for a half marathon but not actually training. Again my heart isn’t in it – it’s just a thing I am doing.

I have worries about the future which seem to be never ending and I don’t appear to be sleeping all too well. I don’t really know who I am at the moment and what I am striving for.

I would happily spend my time alone.

And you know what, I don’t even know how to reach out to people – because talk is cheap and I don’t think it will change anything.

Maybe, I hope with things opening up in the UK and the weather getting better, I might get that spark again but i don’t know how to ease the feeling that’s inside of me – the one that feels deep inside my heart. The connection thing – how to make it better and easier and more flowing. I need help to break life down into smaller, more manageable goals.