This place is just immense. Ouse Valley Viaduct is nearest to Balcombe in West Sussex.
The Ouse Valley Viaduct is a main train route between London and Brighton. It was first built in 1839 and the structure itself contains roughly 11 million bricks.
Ps don’t walk from Ardingly reservoir, it is a 7 mile walk along 60 mph roads. Hugging the sideline became my forte.
Lockdown has changed me.
These days, I spend my time listening to people and talking about them and their lives. I don’t feel like I fit in anywhere and I don’t want to talk about myself. I feel trapped in this kind of charade where I have to keep up appearances – keep on doing things – keep on being positive but really what I’m doing at the moment is not a lot.
I seem to have lost myself and my spark and I don’t know how to get it back.
Family and friends don’t seem to ask about me and when we are on larger zoom calls, I’m the one whose life isn’t talked about. And some days I’m okay with that, it makes it easier but other days I feel like the whole long distance friendship thing has really effected me. I feel that I’ve actually lost a lot of people, lost my connection with people.
I find it hard to send messages checking in on people, checking they are okay – maybe actually that’s easier than the whole long text replies. I end up not getting onvolved in conversations – it feels too overwhelmong for my mind to cope with nd my concentration for these tasks is minimal.
I do know there are quite a few people who I have neglected in the last few months, maybe years now, because I feel there is nothing to say. That I am not important or interesting enough. It’s worse with those who I care about – my friends and family because I feel I should be there and be present when they are talking. Conversations feel still, and awkward. I get scared I guess that the conversations aren’t flowing – the chat feels stuck – and then I get silly or hyper to remove my worries. To remove the awkwardness.
Maybe I’m giving off this scent to people that I don’t want to talk about me so we don’t. And for that I’m sorry. I feel lost and I feel like people can’t bring me out of myself. I don’t want to meet up or catch up with friends whether through skype or in person. I’m barely showing up . I feel like I’m on some sort of automatic, not really sure which days are which. I respond in conversations but my heart isn’t in it. I feel lost.
I think I’m depressed.
Or rather I know I am but I don’t know what the heck to do about it. I could easily spend my time in bed, not actually knowing what i’m doing but with time passing so very fucking quickly. I’m irritable and have trouble concentrating. I’m eating too much and I find it hard to be present. I’m training for a half marathon but not actually training. Again my heart isn’t in it – it’s just a thing I am doing.
I have worries about the future which seem to be never ending and I don’t appear to be sleeping all too well. I don’t really know who I am at the moment and what I am striving for.
I would happily spend my time alone.
And you know what, I don’t even know how to reach out to people – because talk is cheap and I don’t think it will change anything.
Maybe, I hope with things opening up in the UK and the weather getting better, I might get that spark again but i don’t know how to ease the feeling that’s inside of me – the one that feels deep inside my heart. The connection thing – how to make it better and easier and more flowing. I need help to break life down into smaller, more manageable goals.
A spring in my step, and a craving for normailty. I’m craving sitting in a cafe with a Dirty Chai Latte and a good book. I’m craving watching the 6 Nations in the pub on a date or with friends. I’m craving sitting in my best friends house and just having her husbands pork crackling with roasties. I’m craving open countrysides and cold water swims. I’m craving new experiences and views and foods and getting to know my people again. People who can bring the world to a standstill with their love and kindness.
Is it because it’s the first day if spring today? Flowers are blooming and sunsets are becoming more kind and more warm in their colour. Or is it because the days are longer and the lockdown is ending soon.
Is it catching up with friends either by going for walks or on WhatsApp? Or going for long bike rides in the fresh spring air? The weather here in London isn’t particularly great but my mind is happy and calm. Eeeking and pushing towards change, for change in myslef and in others and thrusting towards something else, something different.
Whatever it is, today I’m revelling in this lust for life which has become some what unapparent in so many people recently. Those who are stuck with the mundane and boring and who have lost drive and motivation. I’m wishing those, who have got themselves lost, to find something today that makes them feel a little bit warmer, a little more calmer, a little bit more themselves.
Whatever it is I gotta find it and use it today.
`I personally think there is, regarding certain mental health conditions.
I re reffered myself to the local IAPT on Tuesday morning as I have been noticing a few things about my behaviour. Not self harm type beahaviours, not suicidal thoughts but patterns in behaviour such as crying when dealing with confrontation, a shorter fuse, not be able to deal with the unpredictable behaviour of the boy I work with when his parents haven’t given him his ADHD medication. Things like family ties and trying to not get bogged down in our stucture and actually dealing with the fact of my childhood and wanting to move forward from this but in a responsible way. Not just by shutting off and hiding. Not by self harming. Not by pretending everything is rosie.
So what I did was I referred myself, not through the use of my GP (the working relationship has changed a little so I’m just trying to speak with her about physical health but that is another post in itself) but by MYSELF.
Today, I recieved this back:
” Dear Katie ****,
Many thanks for your self-referral to Talk ******.
Unfortunately we are not able to accept your referral forthe following reason(s).
– Due to a diagnosis of a personality disorder
Please contact your GP regarding further support.
Kind regards,
Talk ******“
This message doesn’t even give me the chance to ask for what reason this service thinks it’s accepatable to not allow me to receive help based on 1 on my diagnoses. It states that I have to go to my GP and ask for a refarral.
Why? What good that does achieve to promote independence? What is the reason for not working with people who have Personailty Disorders? Is this stigma?
I wouldn’t mind going private if it wasn’t for the money or the fact that even beginning to look for a therapist is tremendously hard. How does one know if they are being fobbed off? Are they charging you too much or too little? Is safety plans included in the price? Location? Personality clashes? If the fit is right? Where do you find a therapist? How do you know what type of therapy you need?
The list of questions in my head is overwhelming and I don’t quite know where to start which is why the TEXT MESSAGE from the local service is quite so appauling and frustrating.
Has anyone else been on the bad end of this? Tell me your experiences please and any suggestions on what to do next.
London can be beautiful, you just need to find the pockets of that breathtaking scenery. Most of my enchantedness comes from the Royal Parks, from the open green spaces such as Bushey Park, Richmond Park – any commons.
I like to sit and listen to the birds chirping, the deer rutting or drinking from the ponds. I like to see the mice scuttling and the insects crawling. I like to sit and just be – in nature. Waiting, wondering and getting lost in something else other than my mind.
For some it is the grey scale buildings, the art nuveou buildings, intertwinned. The old and the new. Beauty comes in many different forms but for me it is like this:
Feeling very pleased to have such beauty around me, and to be able to take pleasure and peace from it.
I always have connected so intently with nature, with winds and gales, with thunderstorms and sunshine. Nature, in any form makes me literally step back to the inside of me, helps me to see the basics and helps keep me fulfilled.
Do you remember in the sims where your characters mood was controlled by things such as socialising and rest and needing the loo as well as eating well I think that about nature – i think it feels me right up.
I’ve been spending more time taking photographs of nature whilst I’m in Sussex, trying to get back to the simple pleasures that bring me joy.
So at the beginning of summer (3weeks ago), I went back to playing on Tinder and I began chatting to this guy. He messaged me first and sent long messages. It’s been over a year since I last went on a date and well the last guy was pretty weird to say the least and well let’s just say it didn’t work out.
So we had been messaging for a while and we decided to meet up today, just for a walk along the beach and I thought well I should meet, before I go back to London again just to see if we had a connection because you can spend so long talking to someone and then meet and go oh fuck. This is a step forward for me, normally I’ll talk to them for months, my BPD and fear of abandonment will creep in and the I won’t meet the guy at all. So you know what, fuck you BPD.
I was feeling so anxious yesterday and this morning, falling between wanting to meet O and not, thinking I’m not good enough and I am. But this morning, it was a run day, maybe a blessing in disguise. I ran for 50 minutes solid, up the downs getting all my feelings out.
And then I just thought, you know what, I’m gonna go. If he likes me, he likes me and if not all I have done is walked for the afternoon.
We met, and it was really lovely, he was really laid back and he was well spoken and had a soft voice, neither of us controlled conversation and that flowed. I text him after to say that I had a lovely walk and he said be did too and if i was free before I go back would I like to meet.
A couple of months back I would have told him about my BPD as it consumed me but I didn’t tell him today, not out of fear of him running away but because it is not all of me. There is so much more to me than my illness, I am kind, empathic, loyal funny, dare I say it – beautiful. I have I interests and hobbies and I have a core group of people whom I love and care for and who love and care for me too. I am important and I am worth so much.
I am me and today there is no one else I would rather be.
I’ve been awake since silly O’ Clock this morning but decided to open my curtains early. Looking at the clear blue sky with no clouds in, breathing in the fresh summer air. Tasting the salty air from the sea. Feeling the cold breeze.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Letting the air get through my nostrils and into my lungs.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Giving myself time to stop and get into the day, get into talking with Mumma. Giving my brain that time to stop, regroup and start over.
Breathe in, breathe out.
And now I feel more ready to start the day, more able to talk to people and participate. It really is the simple things that keeps you going sometimes.
Today, after lying on the sofa for more than 4 hours watching shit TV eating all of the food and not facing the phone call that I was meant to take. But my friend sent me these cute ass videos which after a few too many hours of mulling inspired me to get out into the sun again. She made me remember what it was like to feel alive, to love nature and the views of Norway she sent me was just so picturesque..
Finally I made the decision to get out, I put on my flip flips, destined not to be out for long but long enough to ease the sadness and numbness that had taken over my heart, my soul. The want to stay in my joggers, without a bra on was high but not high enough. I knew deep down that if I stayed in, the feeling of moroseness would have encapsulated me, drowned me.
There I am, wandering up the hills to the downs that are near me, classical music talking to me, taking me to a softer place, a more relaxed calm state of mind and feeling, yes feeling the sun on my skin, the nature in my eyes.
I get through the rocky paths in the woods and reach a recently cut hay field – I take of my flip flops and I walk barefoot over the hills and my feet don’t stop. They continue to go over the hills, feeling the dry ground under my feet. The music which ws turned off at the top of the woods is now replaced by wind howling in my ears, sheep baa-ing, my feet flip flop-ing.
I keep going until I reach the trig point and I know that the view I see is breath taking, I can see the sea, the downs, the sheep. I can see cliffs, I can see grass. I can see nature – good old british nature at it’s finest. I wander down the hill the 45 minutes back to base, with my shoes sill off. Still feeling. Still grounding myself.
On my way back, with my phone on less than 6%, with the memory telling me it is full up. I see the sun bursting through the trees. Mesmorising.
And at the end of the day, at the end of this day:
I am glad that I forced myself out. I am glad that my friend inspired me with her walk, I am glad that I connected with nature and was honest with people. I am glad.
And on these days, where I have to try try try, these hard days I believe that I am stronger and braver than people think.
And on that note I am off to bed.
Good night.
Katie's blog on life
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