Katie's blog on life

Monday 6th January 2020

It was my first day back at work today, first day back at therapy after the Christmas break.

Work was easy, if you avoid the eye contact and answer the ” how was your holiday?” with the same generic response of” yeah fine, I ate too much, drank too much. Yours?” that you give everyone, then you can make it through. But, it’s those people who ask and sincerely want to know how your holiday was that I just couldn’t fake it to. You know the ones I’m talking about, the ones that look deep into your eyes, almost looking into your soul that know. I mean for me, for the most part Christmas this year was actually okay. The day it’self was tricky but it’s gonna be when you spend your whole life faking it to those around you but the rest of it bar being physically ill for 5 days was nice actually. But back to those people, they know when you’re faking it, just trying to get out of the conversation. So what I did was, I got stuck into something else until the time came when I had to leave for therapy. And that my friends is a completely different story. There is no hiding there, none whatsoever.

Now, just to give a bit of a background. I do 2 types of therapy with my programme, one is group therapy which I detest with a passion and the other is individual psychotherapy which I’m coming around to a little bit more.

Today was group. I’ve been in a good mood for the last couple of days – feeling more hopeful and positive after seeing my best friend for New Year. This mood continued for group, normally I would as the therapists say “leave the room” that’s either mentally or physically. But today, I managed to stay and converse and participate. Yay go me! Now I never really feel that I give much insight for others but I think what I do give, when I’m feeling as I did today is an air of cheeky-ness and laughter. Of making situations lighter than they are. I guess that’s the joy of having EUPD. I feel everything so so much. So when I’m happy, I’m really fucking happy and when I’m sad, I’m really fucking sad. But today was a good one. I need to try to revel in these moments when they come because as I am perfectly aware these moments come and go as they please. so for now, I’m going to sit and smile and be happy for the day I’ve had.

‘ bet you thought I was gonna say something negative about group, well not today my friends, not today.

I hope everyone else’s monday was all gravy.

Me, me, me, me, me, me.

I realised yesterday that I haven’t even introduced myself, so I guess here goes,

My name is Katie and i am a 28 year old woman living in South West London. I live with a mental health illness called Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder or otherwise known as Borderline Personality Disorder. I was diagnosed in late December ’17 after years and years of being told that I have Major Depressive Disorder. That these tablets anti- depressants will work if you just give them half a chance. Now don’t get me wrong I’m all for medication if it helps you but not if that is the only option you are given to get better, to be better.

So after trying 6 different anti – depressants I was referred to a team called Complex Needs at my local psychiatric hospital. I am currently receiving treatment at this hospital as an outpatient as part of an 18 month programme. Therapy is DEFINITELY not easy and over the past year a half ( I received 1 year of psychotherapy before starting Mentalisation Based Treatment) I have had more downs than ups. However I am my own harshest critic and my friends would say that I have, in fact, made lots of progress with opening up and noticing when shit hits the fan. Oh yeah forgot to mention, I swear. I just do and no I’m not sorry.

This blog is a place whereby I can write how I feel – hopefully in regard to helping me heal. I am an avid photographer so all photographs on here are my own, and I love food. Sooooo muxh food.
I had got into running but after a recent what I would call breakdown, lost my ability to run 10 K so I am beginning the couch to 5K programme again with the aim of improve my mental health and my overall fitness.

Any questions or topics you want me to write about, please just hit me up.

Peace and love!

Sunday 5th January.

Leaving home after Christmas. I’m not sure of the feelings that are within me. I don’t feel as I want to go back but I don’t feel that sense of dread that is so often there when I leave home to get back to London. The fear that things are going to be bad again. The fear that I’m not going to be able to cope. In fact, this time I am hopeful. Hopeful for change and the possibilities of what could be.

The possibility of getting stuck into recovery, putting my all into therapy, running, photography, friends, family, Mumma. RECOVERY. I feel hopeful of being out of the dark tunnel which engulfed me for the last 4 months, unable to escape it. The me which just allowed life to defeat me, treading me down in the dirty cold ground – leaving me lifeless, soulless, defeated and broken. I’m not ready to tell the world what happened 2 months ago. My brain is not quite in the space to allow myself to be so vulnerable yet. But I’m hopeful to get into new patterns, patterns which will create change within and outside of me.

I want to be involved in life again. Baby steps as my therapist tells me. Little changes lead to big changes after all.

Trying to get back into blogging and beginning the couch to 5K from scratch again – we all have to start somewhere.

Sometimes a reset on life is what we need to help us notice what we need to change. Different perspectives and all that.

“You are not your illness. You have an individual story to tell. You have a name, a history, a personality. Staying yourself is also part of the battle”
Julian Seifter