Katie's blog on life

Summer is my jam…

The long, clear cut nights with its 9pm sunsets and days spent with sun blazing over my golden brown skin. The evening 15 mile cycle rides just because you can and days spent paddling in rivers in nature. With birds tweeting and talking to each other and now, at the moment and for the preceeding 2 months, the lack of cars in parks, the daily excersise, the eating what my stomache craves and not caring if its too much. It’s people running in the sea early in the morning to make sure they are keeping to social distancing and it’s friends and their children and my family, other people’s families enjoying and partaking in the simple joys of life. It’s meeting up 2 metres apart from each other but being able to see each other, it’s video calls to those whom you love and miss. It’s sending cards of good will and motivational words to keep on going, keep on being string and if you can’t that day, knowing it is okay. It is okay to be human and feel the range of emotions that we were born to feel. We wern’t born to just feel happy but to experience sadness, grief, joy, fear and laughter.

The turn of seasons into summer makes it easier to open up emotionally, physically, mentally to those who you care about – life is a little more care free. I don’t know what it is that does it to me but the long nights, the warmth of the sun on my face, usually the splashing and swimming in the sea makes me more nonchalent, more happy and carefree. It makes all the hard bis seem easier and it makes love easier to give and receive. More people are in tune with the universe and getting out of life what they put in.

Today, I am also one of those people, not worried about not having my peppermint tea, not worried about when I drift off to sleep.

Just content with it all and I hope that you are too.

Feeling hurt…

When somone close to you posts a picture and a caption for mental health awareness week bout their own struggles which firstly you didn’t know anything about and then then that part of the caption says “make sure you check in with those near to you”. Like that’s one big fuck you if ever I saw it. I’ve been open with my EUPD for the last 3 or so years and you haven’t checked in once. Is it me, were we not meant to be close? Were you never meant to have my back? What do I need to do to get you to show you care or love me?

Fuck! That post was just like one huge slap in the face so thank you. That was what I really needed at the moment. I really needed that flaunting right now. That was what was missing from my life – you got it!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a horribl person so I’m pleased for you that you have opened up to your social media following about your mental health struggles but it sure would have been nice to know first hand, not along with all your followers. Not, as seeming like a fan.

I feel hurt and unsupported and sad – sad that we were not brought up to help each other with our struggles yet to face these things apart. You have your own family now, so I hope you never know the struggle of trying and failing of doing it alone. I hop ethey support and encourage you in ways we were not brought up to. And I hope that you got what you needed from that post ‘cos i certainly did.

A big FUCK YOU

Living in an unsuitable environment…..

How can I just know? How can my body just know when A is drunk again? It’s like my mind completely switches in on itself. My emotions go from happy and care free to sad and frustrated and stuck. Am I so attuned to behaviour like that, exhibited from my own father in childhood that now I don’t even have to see A drunk to know he is. To know that he has relapsed. That what is coming next is the slurred voice, the repeated conversations, the accidentally but nearly always breaking cutlery, the mess, the smell, the everyone else being on edge because we all don’t know how to respond, we are all uncomfortable.

How I can just sense and smell and see it? How my mind seems to not fit together so well when someone is drunk around me, I mean it’s not just drunk, it’spassing outat 11 am and the lack of any conversation, it’sgetting pissed off at the news when it doesn’t really matter and it’smybown personal worry. The anxiety, the destruction, the sadness gets into my pores, it makes me feel on edge and I’m unsure of how to handle it. And I do know that I can control how I react, I do know I can leave the room and leave the house and sit in my room by myself but I don’t want to do that. I want to feel safe and comfortable, like any human would.

And don’t get me wrong I do know that I am better than this, more in control of this but my body and mind seem to alter almost effortlessly into the chaos. They sit to just swiftly turn into madness and it’s so hard to get me to fight even harder than I normally do to not go down that route. When this happens, I miss people more, I miss feeling safe, I miss feeling anything but estranged from myself. I lose motivation to eat properly and excersise and I want and or need to be out of the house all of the time to a cost to myself and my structure and tiredness. I lose a bit of me.

I don’t emtirely know how to get it back. Untill the drunkness stops again. I feel like crying more when A is drunk but I’m unable to cry. It all get stored up in one little ball of negative energy until pow, I blow up. All of me blows up in my silly face, knowing that I was unable to handle it again.

A isn’t violent to me, not like dad but he creates an atmosphere, a feeling that no one wants to be around. He swears at himself and argues with himself and the others more. He won’t accept no. A drifts into this Jekyll and Hyde state and I am never sure which one he is in. He is manipulative and lies, so that no one questions his drinking but we all know. Come on, how can we not. When you talk his eyes don’t focus, he sweats and smells of alcohol and B.O. and he is not a pleasure to be around.

I hide. That is all I can do for the moment. Do exactly as I did when I was a child. I hide and hope and pray that tomorrow will be a better day an un drunk day. I know that for the next 3 days I’m busy again and so I am already in bed, the house deadly silent but I’m unsure if that worries me more. I’ve been sleeping less well since Saturday, since Sunday I noticed the tiny changes but I haven’t been sleeping well. Terrible nightmare are coming back more vigorously than before.

Thank you but no thank you, I don’t want this.

It was a good 5 days, we were being sociable. We were having conversations not repeated a thousand times – I thought I could actually live here for a while longer – not have to find somewhere else to live. S said I seemed lighter, happier. And maybe I was. Maybe that’s the whole sensory thing she was talking about – this. How I react or act when this happens. The slight changes which apparently turn my world upside down, inside out so effortlessly.

The trio of many emotions that I felt this morning. I started off feeling confident and happy and then within 10 minutes for no reason with no explanation I went to the last. Flat, done in, sad, crying 5 tears and emotional. I’d been feeling it since yesterday evening. Bank holidays are hard at the moment – 4 days to fill instead of the usual two. Double the amount of time for thinking and planning. I’d coped with the first 2 really well, seeing a good friend for a socially distanced chat and then a run yesterday followed by reading in the sunshine and a lovely dinner but as the night time fell my mood started to change.

I don’t know why, It just happened. Now here is the point where my therapist would say ” emotions don’t just happen” L tells me there is always a reason for them. Maybe I don’t know the reason yet but the feelings carried on through Saturday nights, not allowing me to sleep and waking me up with birdsong at 5am. Then this morning the happy emotion was replaced with the sad, the frustrated. i literally went through the motions within 10 minutes, just like that.

Like someone had cast magic over me, clicked their fingers and then just like that all the above emotions came.

I think bank holidays are hard because this is a time like no other, time that I would be highly likely to be spending with those that I want to be with, not those that I have to be with. And actually just because I am with people here, in this house does not mean I am not alone. I feel alone here. Right now, with Covid – 19, I am at the stage where I just need to be hugged and cared for and shown that I am loved.

A good friend mentioned the other day that I am very sensory, I wasn’t quite sure what she meant at the time but having thought about it I think I am. I need to see people via video calls to see that they are listening, that they are caring and engaging. I think I rely on smells and music to change emotional states and I need to feel nature.

This is just how we are now, in order to keep myself sane, I needed to leave my house for an unnesscary journey but it was necessary for me , to keep myself safe and if that isn;t important, I don’t know what is.

Today, in my funk,I just needed to get out and feel. Feel the wind making me cold, making me shiver, just to feel alive. I needed to touch and see the leaves, the trees, the grass, the smell of flowers, the birdsong in my ears, the fericious wind howling through me, dragging me forwards and back, te aches in my legs, the taste of food. Anything to get me back to who I am.

Sometimes, when I get like I was this morning I don’t feel like myself. I feel like I am some alternative person. I am unable to see and feel me until the requisite motions have been filed and applied. I feel like an alien in my own skin. I feel my head exploding not with curiosity but with shame and with Fuck no’s not again.

Today, I’m glad the reaching out to friends and reaching out to nature has made me feel a bit more alive. I’m not going to lie, it hasn’t made me completely and utterly me, but a little more on the way to me and I’m hoping that a good night’s sleep will make me feel right again. But if it doesn’t, I know my people to turn too, I know sometimes you have to fake it make it and sometimes you need to feel the emotion, sit with the emotion and process the emotion to get by.

Proud.

I think one of my most favourite things in the world is seeing people succeed. I just love, love and support. Of people making something of themselves despite everything. It doesn’t matter to me if we went to uni together and I haven’t spoken to you in years or if you are a person I met once and connected with or you are one of my favourite people in the world. I just want to see successes in every area of people’s lives whether it be taking a walk in these crazy times to clear your overwhelmed lives, or eating properly and consistently or launching a new business or EP. I just want you all to feel the benefit and I am genuinely so so proud of those people. It’s not a fake thing whereby I am saying I’m proud just to say it – I genuinely, honestly feel that proud of you. It bursts out of my heart, my ears, my smile. It comes out of each and every part of me – that feeling of pride. That confidence that you know that you have this, that you have succeeded.

I just want the person to know it when I feel it.

People don’t know how to react, they take it in some shy way. Muttering the thank yous. Not really engaging with the emotions that are coming out of my mouth but I get it, when people say it to me I do not believe it. I think they are just saying it but by saying thank you these days, I am coming to terms with accepting the positive, the proud, the love and you all should too!

And I really do believe all these things about having Borderline Personality Disorder. I truly am loving and loyal and passionate about my friends, about loving love. I have my days where I think the world hates me but when I’m good internally – I’m really fucking good. I know what the darkness feels like and I would do anything to not let another feel that pain, experience that darkness. I would give up everything for my friends and family just to see them happy and I truly honor and respect people. Sometimes with the effect of losing myself.

But if you are lucky enough to have me in your life ( yes I am self appreciative for the first time in my life) then you know that I have you, I will constantly be there to pick you up when you fall and I will be there for you whatever – despite time and distance. I will be there and you have to do something pretty devastating to lose me. I will give you 2 chances to mug me off and then we are done.

But as I said, of you are lucky enough to have me in your life, I will love you with my whole heart, I will support and care for you like nothing else, I will understand and appreciate you for everything that you are and want to be and I will care. Put simply I will care for you until our dying days.

Emotions and how to hold them.

Work has got me thinking and well each time the action which I’m about to tell you about happens, I get thinking.

I work with a child with ADHD and Autism, and quite often I have outbursts which I have to deal with. The anger and the rage that comes, apparently put of nowhere is immense. We have now got into a routine whereby I know if the child is playing me – manipulating situations to get their own way. But also sometimes I feel I;m being tested as to whether I can handle such emotions from them – the anger, the frustration which is shown by throwing chairs, pushing over tables, running away.

Fuck me, all of rhe running away.

Sometimes I feel like he is testing me to see what my reactions are, whether this is a safe space to explode or whether I am going to react like quite a lot of people in his life do – shouting, hitting, swearing.
I wonder if my calm, stubborn facade gives him the strength to explode.

And it got me thinking about me, about my childhood and having a safe space to share and express my emotions. I didn’t have one. That wasn’t there, I had reactions to my emotions which were normally negative and maybe that is one of the reasons I find it hard to trust people with my very fragile emotional mentality. L has said to me more than once,

“Don’t worry, I can handle your anger, your sadness, your frustration”

And I just don’t believe it, but remember I am being kinder and softer with myself and I feel I might be able to try and give myself that safe space, other people’s strength and resillience to let me try.

But it’s a weird subject – the very act of allowing the child to express what he needs to and understanding could give home more strength that I realise. Having someone take your emotions and hold them for you, take it in but not take over – not tell them what they should or shouldn’t feel. Just hold them.

And no, I don’t just do this with him, but all the children in my school and all the children I have or will look after. I think like I have just said that will give them more emotional stability then they realise. It will hopefull help them grow into secure people as they continue to flourish.

And I can’t help thinking, I wish someone had done that for me but maybe that is why I am so ready to not fail any child, emotionally or physically.

Lemme know what you think!

Video calls got me thinking…..

I haven’t belly laughed like that in ages – there is something beautiful about being altogether with your siblings and your Mumma and laughing- feeling comfortable and bouncing off of each other. I mean we soent most of the video call laughing at Mumma trying to sort the audio and the picture on the video call but at least we didn’t get ears or ceilings or nostrils.

So, as you have probably guessed, I ‘zoom-ed’ my family today. I had been feeling a little left out, as they are all back in Sussex. I was thinking they were going to each other’s doorsteps and having a cuppa but they haven’t been. We have never been a family to live in each others pockets, I mean I would like a little more than we have but we just aren’t like that. But when we are together, the once introvert side of me gets lost in a world full of laughter and happiness.

Don’t get me wrong, we aren’t perfect and I have a hard time with them but I am trying to be softer on them and myself. This whole Corona Virus thing has given me ample time to stop, pause and reflect. And no, that isn’t necessarily a bad thing but it has let me to do some thinking about how harsh I am. My therapist said more than once yesterday, ” You don’t let people into your mind, Katie. Does anyone know what is going on in there?” And I guess, well if I am honest with myself I find it extremely difficult to let people see that vulnerable side of me.

So, I am trying to be softer. Trying to shed shed that tough outer exterior that no one can fight through. The wall that is too high and the bar that is set too high.

If I continue to place the bar so high, I will live a life alone, Not alone in the sense of not having people but alone to fight my mind. I need to realise that if I give just a little piece of me to someone, anyone, it doesn’t make me weak. It doesn’t have to mean that I am split into a tiny, thousand pieces. It just means that I have more support to face the world. And it is okay if that support is only there for 2 years or 2 months or 2 days or 2 hours – that is support that I would never have received if I hadn’t had let my guards down.

I am trying to be softer with my family too. Just because we weren’t brought up with the skills to communicate and trust and support one another – doesn’t mean we can’t learn them.

I need to try and let them in a little so that they can help. How can they help if they don’t know?! We can lean to tell each other our troubles and insecurities and guide each other through the tough times. We can laugh and be silly – not everything has to be silly all the time.

But on the other end of this – if my family aren’t the ones I can let in, then I have a wealth of wonderful friends who are sometimes, most of the time, more like family to me anyway. We don’t have to be connected by blood to be there for each other consistently and long lasting. They are there for me through thick and thin, always willing to lend a hand and a smile and a supportive ear.

I just have to let myself be softer and unshielded – willing to take that risk and let it all out. Just do it.

Fucks sake

I just wrote an incredibly good blog post about what’s going on for me – how I think I’m actually okay and happy but I keep waking up early early – 5 am and today 4. My head hurts and all my words were used on the last post that magically disappeared. I’m having these weird dreams that are incredibly realistic. They are knocking me for 6 with their murders and brutal attacks and how I have no way of stopping these things happening. They all have an air of me being stuck. These have been happening for the last 2 weeks especially, but it’s like I am watching myself through the view of someone else – yet I cannot see myself. There was more on this but I can’t find it. I’m wondering if anyone else’s sleep routine is getting a bit messed up?

I have gone back to work this week – it has great to have some fulfilment and being needed but I am absolutely cream crackered.

I also mentioned that I only have 6 well 5 because of the bloody bank holiday with my therapist and I’m defitely putting off thinking about someone who has been in my life for over 2 years. The rational part of me says that you are okay, you didn’t cause her to go but the irrational part of me says this is all your fault – you made her go, see no one ever sticks around.

I’ve gotta go cos my head is making me feel like my eyes need to shut and I feel slightly sick. I’m hoping for a normal bed time and a normal wake up but who knows.

Night kids.

The last 2 days ………….

Have been pretty good so I suppose I should write about them. I suppose I should try to remember the good times as well as the bad, yeah?!

Yesterday I went back to work for the first time in over a month, well not quite, well 3 weeks and it was really good fun. Afterwards, I felt great – it was brilliant to have some kind of purpose again, I felt needed and wanted and helpful. All of the helpful. I also had some structure which is especially important for me. I don’t know why but lack of structure is hard, very hard for me. As soon as I had finished work, I emailed my manager to ask if I could do one day per week, to keep some kind of sanity and today the came back to me and said yes. I felt such a relief knowing that at least one of my days will be structured. If not just for me, but for the children too.

I arrived home last night to this wonderful care package from a good friend of mine, totally unexpected but always needed. I am very thankful for C, grateful for our friendship and what she helps me through. This surprise came at the perfect time and is oh so cute. A real pick me up to finish off my day. A very humble and needed good day indeed.

Funny how things turn out, hey?!

Then today, I was up early for therapy in which I cycled to the local common because I find it hard to have intimate phone calls in my house. It was good, we had some time to digest what has been going on recently and how the lock down had affected me and how her being pregnant has affected me. The session went rather quickly though.

As I was already outside in the beautiful sunshine I thought I would cycle to central to get my Swedish sweets and Norwegian cheese. It ended up being 21km one way ( I must have got lost somewhere haha) and on the way home I decided to cycle apparently getting lost again but through Hyde and Regents Park feeling the sun on my skin, my back aching but feeling good for it. I have been testing my balance reently and seeing how far I can ride no handed – today I rode for about 8 minutes which I thought was quite a feat. If i had more room in my house I’d like to learn how to do a handstand and buy a boxing stand. But alas, not yet, When I finally arrived home, I reckon I had ridden 35km at least today so about 21 miles.

My day continued with it’s happiness after a video call with my bestie. Absolutely the best person in the world she is. I had a horrendous dream about her and her family last night which I did not relay to her completely as I don’t want her to be worried but it was so wonderful to speak to her.

We are 2 peas in a pod. A is the better half of me. Always happy, always smiling.

I am now back aching but fulfilled and happy. I am going to do my norm of peppermint tea and watch ” The Quiz”.

Goodnight beautiful people.

Fight,fight, fight.

I don’t think people realise how much strength it requires to fight ones mind on a daily basis. I had a terrible nights sleep followed by a morning lazing in bed. That just led me to deconstructive and irrational thoughts. I wasnt calling anyone and I wasn’t texting anyone back. So what I did was slowly started to get changed, putting on my running clothes and shoes for ‘ just incase ‘ when I’m out and I forced myself out of that door.

I cannot say that was an easy affair because it wasn’t and to say it was would be to wrong myself. It would be incorrect and do me a disservice. But as I was saying, I forced myself out of the door. One step after another tiny feet. Just go. Wherever you take me, I’ll go. I still had that aching sadness within me, you know the one that nothing will quell. No amount of talking or hitting or eating or music would dissolve that feeling. Alas, I went. Left foot, right foot, cardboard box.

I told myself if you wanna just run for a minute that is fine, if you wanna run for 10 that is fine, if you wanna run for an hour and 10 that is fine. I placed no pressure on myself to run. ( okay a little). There is a route near me which goes up and down hills but by the time you get to the Common it is 5km. So I did that.

My quickest 5.01km – 28 minutes and 30 seconds.

And then I carried on a little bit more huffing and puffing and forcing my body round each corner, up and down each street.

7.02km – 39 minutes.

And then home 8.26 km in 46 minutes and 49 seconds. Running helps me. It truly does but because I am such a creature of habit if that had been on a non running day, I wouldn’t have done it regardless of whether it made me feel better. A walk yes but running no.

And now, I feel light headed, hyped up but not silly. I feel enough.

I gotta keep doing this. Keep moving one step after the other. Keep on going forward

But fuck me is this hard work.