And on days where you feel like there really is no hope you have to remember that
This too shall pass.
And there is hope. And there is power in knowing that this feeling. These emotions are only temporary.
You are okay.
And remember that like the flowers now blooming, out of darkness there is light and growth and experience.
You can do this.
You will win. You will love. You will fight for another day.
During this tricky time, of Corona virus it is imperative for those who live with mental health illnesses to either have a good support network of friends and family or have a good team behind them in the form of Mental Health Services. This whole epidemic is creating more lonliness through forced isolation and inability to do the things that make you feel good whether that be walking in parks or going to the cinema or meeting a friend actually in person. Seeing people. The inability to do a lot of these things is going to bring a lot of people with mental health difficulties down.
I am very fortunate to have an amazing group of friends who are just at the end of the phone call and when we come out of isolation will be there with me to eat nice food and going out walking with. But I think I am also to have a group of professionsals who have made some changes to how they work in order to make sure the service users are okay. I am a service user and I feel like I can call them when and if I need them Monday to Friday. This is a very weird time for everyone, a lot of us are stuck in this grey area of not knowing. But having all these people there for me is just excellent. My friends are there, checking in making sure I’m doing okay and the psychologists, psychiatrists and the like are making themselves available. I’m not sure why, we had a quite harsh group therapy session last week whereby the group therapists had to deal with some, not some quite a lot of discontent from the group of how they dealt with a recent situation. And it got me thinking that no, they did not do their best then but how incredibly tricky it must now be for them to build that trust up again after they, how do you put it fucked up. I’m not going to lie, they could have dealt with the situation way better, and then perhaps there wouldn’t be as much animosity from the other service users.
But yes, like I said. How do they build up the trust when they are now not seeing people? When all contact from the group therapists is gone – we as service users are now only having individual therapy via phone calls which is mostly practicalities in this present time. How do we stop you from self-destruction? How do we get you to use therapy? How do we get you to trust us?
Face to face therapy brings about certain things that you just don’t get by phone, you can’t see body language. And body language is critical in therapy. When calling people by phone you can’t see that, you don’t necessarily know if the person is avoiding the phone call when they don’t pick up or whether they need more help and support because they in crisis? It must feel like you can’t do your job properly, you have to rely on a new set of skills and resources that you may not have.
As you all know, my therapist is pregnant. She told me the week before last and then on Friday we had a phone call. But we haven’t seen each other since she told me and I don’t know how to feel about it. Of course I ‘m happy for her but I have so many unanswered questions. That phone call was strange for me. There I was, sat at work, not really sure if I could get into anything. But maybe it helped me a little having the phone call. I have to decide if there is anyone more suited for me in the team – who would I like to have once L goes. And I managed to say to her that I think I need somebody more direct, maybe if I was there sitting in front of her I wouldn’t be able to say that. To me it seems rude. L told me that she could try to b more direct with me over the coming months but I’m not so sure given the current climate. I was anxious and numb as soon as I started the phonecall. I felt unable to let go and let her in when I was on the phone. I stuttered lots and I lost my words. I’m nervous for what the next few months are going to bring from phone therapy. Whether I am going to be able to use it. Whether this will be my final 5 months of therapy like this. It’s all a bit too much to think of right now but I will try and try and try.
Try to not get lonely in the isolation period. Try to use services. Try to speak with my friends. Try. Try. Try.
Oh fucking hell, roday I am just feeling so fed up of the world, of the government, of Corona Virus, of working in a school when the government suggests to avoid socialising and being with more than a set amount of people but being forced to be in a place where there is definitely more than that limit. Of being in some sort of forced isolation because no one wants to see anyone because they are scared of catching Corona. Or having people who are important to you who are high risk or have weakened immune systems because of previous health conditions. To cinemas closing, my one bit of personal space that helps me unwind and gives me time to collect my thoughts. Yes, I feel like I am living in an apocolypse – trapped inside my hole, unable to escpe, Completely and utterly screwed. I feel as though everyone has gone fucking mental.
To, and yes this is a big one that has pissed me off a little too much today, having group therapy cancelled first ( yet the schools are still open) to hearing that my individual session will be via phone, if at all. This, is the hardest thing, Firstly, I don’t like talking on the phone anyway – it makes me feel anxious, I know less when it is my time to talk, I interrupt, I get hot ear, I stutter. Secondly, I don’t actually have a safe space in which I could actually take this phone call, The house in which I currently reside, I don’t feel safe in – I live with an alcoholic, who today when I entered the house, was passed out on his back, on his bed with his door wide open. He claims he is self isolating. Alas I do not want to get into this. I don’t feel safe in here and I definitely would not be taking a phone call in here which he can hear everything I am saying, I wouldn’t be able to be honest knowing someone else was in here, whether they are sober or not. Lastly, I’m worried I can lie. My facial expressions show a lot of me – when you take away that face to face meeting, you take a lot away. You take away when you can tell somone is feeling stressed or sad or upset without even having to ask them. But also I couldn’t also take this phone call at work. One of the therapists suggested that I go to a local park – what if it;s raining, what if I dissociate. WHAT IF? WHAT IF? WHAT IF?
I don’t know what I am going to do about this and don’t get me wrong I sure am grateful they are still running for the time being, it just doesn’t fit very well with me, I am kinda confused cos I don’t know if a physical break would be better but I also know I am beginning to struggle with my thoughts again at this time and need some support,
Ahh Corona, you have made your point.
Kindly fuck off now please!
I feel like I’m living in some kind of weird apocolypse. I feel like the world is going crazy and a lot of people appear to be having some kind of breakdown. We, as Brits, no longer talk about the weather but everyone’s topic of conversation is situated around the Corona Virus. If it’s not talk about the crazy people panic buying then it’s about what is the government doing around school’s and work and transport. Everyone one has an opinion on it and as someone who doesn’t like living in the grey area, it is particularly unnerving. I can’t say I am strssed, I am a little anxious about therapy being stopped or moving online and having to spend a huge amount of time in my house which I currently feel unsafe in. This is particularly seeming a possibility because as mentioned the other day, my therapist is pregnant. I have about 2 more months left with her before I switch to someone else. I don’t lie change and would, if possible, like to have a few sessions with her and the other therapist to you know ease me into it. But now, this is seemingly less likely. Also the fact that if work is closed due to Corona then I wil have to create some kind of mental and physical structure, I’m worried the my mental health will rapidly decrease.
I am trying to stay with the present, I am trying to stay positive and think WHAT IF?” but it’s fucking hard. Today in group therapy we were talking a lot about Corona virus and moving therapy online, the changes that people don’t know will happen yet. But I’m trying to carry on and gently ease myself through each day.
As i mentioned earlier though, the world appears to be going absolutely, ridculously crazy. I feel paranoid. I feel uneasy. I feel like I am living in this state where by others are controlling my actions, the media building up pressure, the containment or lack of it. The pictures. Being isolated even though I don’t have the virus but everyone else is worried about catching it especially as I work in a school. Walking around and seeing no one, nothing. Lights down at 6pm. No one moves or does anything and yet trying to carry on like normal. Not panic biying. Not eating junk, going to work, seeing friends.
Just being normal.
But knowing that rapidly the world is falling a part and there is nothing I can do about it and just waking up each day, not knowing what the day is going to bring.
And for today that has to be enough.
Going to put some Peep Show on and drift away into unconsciousness.
Today, I am cream crackered but not in a vulnerable, negative emotional kind of way but in a fulfilled happy positive kind of way. I came to see some good friends yesterday after an important therapy session. It had been a hard week, well hard weekend last weekend followed by a bad start of the week. But on Wednesday I forced myself and my body out on a run – a too long run mind but a run that my soul and my body needed. I ran for 1 hour 10 and over 10 km. I came home knackered but ready to fight. Fight for me and for my life. Anyway, I digress. This weekend, I came home to see my best friend. This morning we did our first ever park run. It wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be but I felt good running some of it with her, especially the end. We supported and encouraged each other. Her husband and young bubba supported us too. It felt great having someone supporting and caring how well we did I felt love and care. Following on from that, we had a board games at another friend’s house which was sooo wonderful. Now, I’m not really a board game lover but that game – Altiplano was really a good crack. A fantastic weekend so far, and not yet over. Although bed time is definitely calling me soon.
I have eaten too much and socialised a little too much for my introvert ways but I would much rather have a weekend like this than a weekend spent with an alcoholic housemate who mates me feel uneasy and unsafe. A person who makes me question my place in the world and unsure of who I am. I have recently been thinking about my living sitution , not in a negative spiral kind of way but in a thinking – really thinking kind of way. Thinking, that well maybe I am not better than my living situation. That maybe I have been thrust again into a situation that I can’t control and maybe having breakdown after breakdown, crisis after crisis, relapse after relapse has taught me that I need to get out of there.
Anyways time to hit the hay as I am cream crackered.
Night!
Attachment central thrown into melt down, trying to be happy. I said congratulations but didn’t really feel it. Oh and no she won’t be able to finish of the treatment programme with me. I already feel abandoned from people in my life and now bosh, this. L asked me today how I feel about it and I got a buzzing in my ear when she told me. I didn’t want to talk about it but because I’m in and out of emotional turmoil at the moment, especially at the end of seasons ( which L thinks is separation anxiety) we had to go back and keep talking and talking about it. I’m not terribly sure how I feel about L telling me she is prgnant. I was shocked, very much so. And it has thrown me into a little bit of a tiz-woz. I have been seeing L for basically 2 and a bit years and she knows a heck of a lot about me. Who is going to take over from her? (Mind you, she did say I could have a say in it but that they are also thinking about it as a team). Will they know me and my back story? Will they know when to push me or not? Will they know ky triggers? Will they be able to help me or will I bullshit them?
The last two months of the programme without her, I’m actually going to have to have an ending not what I do and just leave people, drop them like it’s hot. Ahh, guess we are gonna keep on talking about it. Guess it’s a good thing.
Maybe I genuinely need to have a big old think about it and about how it actually is going to affect me. I don’t think I feel happy for her, I feel aad, let down and abandoned. (Typical person with BPD aren’t I?!) That’s what people do to me anyway. But it’s not all black and white, we are multi layered and I need to try and see the grey areas and the layers and not what I want to see.
Yesterday I began writing a half draft, deadly serious letter to myself to try and get me out of this lost state that I seem to keep finding myself in. I wrote and I wrote and I wrote. I was harsh on myself and upon reading it back, really quite brutal and honest.
I have to try and try to get back into fighting for myself again. I need to tell myself over and over that this, what I’m doing now, how I’m living now is not what I want. I told myself that I am worth more than I give myself credit for and I am so so so important to a lot of people whether I see it or not. I am loved. I am cared for. I am supported. And I need to stop focusing on those who don’t care for me and focus on those who do!
” You are okay. You appear to have got yourself stuck in a rut. In this cycle of negativity and negative emotions. You are finding excuse after excuse to not get better. And this needs to stop. You are playing with fire and burning bridges. Soon there will be no one left. There are people who want to help you, support you, care for you but you also have to try to try. Your ridiculously low self depreciation is making you think that this is what you deserve. That this is who you are meant to be, but it is not. You deserve better than this. You are worth more than what you are making yourself believe. I know you are scared and sad and angry but you are currently not allowing yourself to live your best life. You need to get back to taking photographs of yourself and singing and seeing your friends and engaging in life and people and nature. Pull your socks up and get back on that horse Katie. You can do this. You have this. “
And after reading it back time and time and time again, I will get the message through to myself and I will get unstuck and I will survive but not in survival mode which I have lived next to my whole life in but in living mode, in engaged mode.
Come on girl, you have this.
Sorry, I lost myself for a while there. Got caught up in all of the negativity and negative emotion. Got lost in trying to find answers to problems that I can’t solve. Got lost searching for the meaning when actually there might be no reason at all for how it why I am like this. Maybe this is it. This is just me.
Gotta get back on the horse and pull my socks up. Get re-engaged and focused. Focus on the things and people that matter and not the things that don’t. Stop fighting people who want to help me be the best version of myself. Fight instead for blue skies and cycle rides and love. Love and care from those who mean it and not those who don’t. Fight for better days and better emotions. Fight for people. My people. Fight the fight of trying to make everything perfect and instead rolling with the waves and the punches and the mind numbing day to day.
Fight the fear. Fight the hopelessness. Fight the shame. Fight hard for what’s right. Fight hard for me
Just fucking start fighting again.
What a fucking week this day has been!
The relentless pouring of rain all day, with no ability to change back to last summer, has left me feeling more than a bit deflated today. I haven’t felt myself all week, mind. Monday and Tuesday let’s say were a write off. Emotionally, definitely. Then the hysteria built up from the media of Corona Virus. Come on people, with have dealt with viruses before – there is no need to mass buy Dettol and hand sanitisers and bleach. You just need to do what you have been doing, washing your hands like the NHS website tells us and has been telling us since day dot. Through the fingers, up to the wrists, all over. Just making sure you clean up properly after yourself after eating or sneezing or going to the loo. It’s pretty simple rules, no? But the media is instilling this kind of panic within people and I fucking hate it. They are making people think it’s unacceptable to breathe in public. They fill people’s minds with dread and worry and for me, that is not okay. I wish I didn’t have to hear the news or read the papers.
And then that time of the month, where I want to eat everything in sight. That time of the month alone is enough. But anyway, I got distracted. Where my emotions are even more overturned from before. Where I go from happy to distraught in a matter of moments, several times throght the day, no wait, hour. And heated exchanges happen because I have next to no ability to sit and mentalise my own thoughts, let alone everyone elses. I have rage over the smallest thing and I’m more prepared to say what I think to those in authority, of whom I should probably keep my mouth shut.
Then something that is not anything new since the last 2 weeks. Battling with the Quitiapine, my new medication this morning, that foggy, under focused spacey mind. The dry mouth, the eyes that don’t see. Scattered vision, zooming in and out, focusing in the wrong things. Breath short but not short enough to go and have a lie down. The picking up and dropping my phone 4 times in a row because my hands don’t quite work yet. The dis-coordinated arms and legs, trying to walk me to my classroom to try and speak. The lack of hearing so having to put songs on repeat or ask people to tell me what they said 3 times. Never more, if I can’t hear by the 3rd time then I’m not hearing it at all. Feeling unsure at the moment as to whether I should carry on taking it or whether it’s leaving me too checked out. It certainly isn’t helping the self-conscious, worried part of me. It’s made me put on a lot of weight in just a few weeks and I’m worried. Worried that I’m never full and will go back to being that ridiculous weight again. Whether the physical symptoms are worse than the emotional ones. I’ve been able to access more of my brain and talk to proffessionals better about one symptom in particular that has been in me a while but I have never felt able to, because I’m scared it will make me seem more crazy. And managing to tell someone about another one which I hate and will never talk about because it makes me hate myself that little bit more.
Back to the same old, same old, wishing I had a different brain or at least a better one.
Needing to give myself a little pep talk and some positive affirmations this morning. The sun is shining through my window and Lewis Capaldi is blasting through my ears. A side effect of the medication is that I shake, so I’m trying to drink a cuppa whilst my hands slightly tremor. I haven’t spilt it down myself yet so that’s a good sign.
I had a few bad nightmares and woke up in a startle. Been thinking about people who I feel I haven’t been there for recently and think I’m a bad person. Could’ve, should’ve done more. Been a bit selfish in just looking out for number one and that’s not cool. I hope I an eased into today l, words feel hard to find.
But I’ll do it, I’ll make it through.
Katie's blog on life
You must be logged in to post a comment.