Saturday 25th January, just.

I’m sorry I didn’t blog yesterday. What happened is I wen to the pub for one after work and then bought a KFC and ended up crashing in bed by 9:47. So that was yesterday.

Today, I came home for the weekend to my best friends house to play bpard games and chill and chat and have a great crack. It genuinely has been such a lovely day and makes me remember over and over why I lover her so much and why she is such an important person to have in my life. She makes me feel calm and collected and as though it doesn’t matter if I haven’t got my shit together. As I said to my therapist, we are like 2 peas in a pod, although she is by far the better half of me. Always happy, positive and smiling and if I just take that from her that my life is going to be greater for it.

Her husband asked me today “when are you moving back here?”. I didn’t really know what to say to that, I didn’t know how to answer that because when I moved to London, 10 years ago this September, I think it was escapism. Running away from my problems. I don’t actually know how much I have progressed into not running away from being unstable emotionally. I feel that given a choice, not living at home would still be a option I would choose because I don’t feel like I fit in here. Mind you, I feel that about a lot of places. Maybe I just have a select few people that I feel comfortable around and they are scattered all around.

Home is where the heart is and all that jazz

And maybe that is what I need to focus on, people who make my soul and my life feel better, make it feel worth living, rather than those who give me negative feelings and affections.

Eurgh blog crashed

For once, I actually wrote a good one. A fucking good blog post – I actually managed to express how I feel and what I needed and then BOOM the site crashed.

I think, unfortunately, that is a representation of my day today.

Today I have managed to hide how I feel. How I feel like I’ve started to fall again but hide it so well from those around me. How I am scared for the me now. How I am unsure of how to hold on and fight for tomorrow’s me but unsure of how to also keep myself sane and rational. How on some days I do believe I have a good soul. I was talking to a friend earlier and saying that above everything, I do believe I have a good one but how it can so easily slide from one state beliving I am good to believing that I am terrible. How I slide from one extreme of emotions to the next. I know it’s hard to understand, I know that it doesn’t particularly make any sense.

You know what, deep down, I do think I have a good soul but that on days like today I feel worthless and sad and broken.

My almost too fragile mind that swings from one side to the other. How my self worth is so dependent on what I think others think and feel about me. And that this in itself is so fucking destructive. Having your life determined by the words of others but not able to stop it. Knowing that what you think in your heart is wrong.

How I was taught that growing up that showing and speaking about emotions is a sign of weakness. That I am fragile and sensitive and not allowed to do that.

Bloody hell, this post in no way near as good as the first. The first had much more empathy and control and was worded much more efficiently and coherently. Right now I’ve slipped into what I call is a bad spell and I’m going to blame it on the tiredness yet again because today, I feel like an alien in my own skin. I feel lost and scared and not quite sure of who I am and what to hold onto

Sometimes you just gotta

Strip back and go back to basics. Whatever that means for you but take yourself back to the things that make you happy. For me, tonight it was spending the evening in the cinema with two of my best pals. Walking home and rather than rushing home because it’s now past my bed time. Who the fuck cares?! I certainly don’t, it’s not as though I’m gonna be sleeping straight away anyway. And actually that time spent talking to them was far more important in that moment.

Gotta start waking up and smelling the freshly cut grass, finding the every day joy, seeing people who mean something to me and engaging with life once more.

I’ve got this.

Mixed reviews

Today has been a day of more than 2 halves. I was told I was too emotional and too emotionally involved. Don;t get me wrong, I know I am too emotional. I have BPD for fuck’s sake. Everything is emotional to me. I don’t mind being called emotional apart from when it is used as negative, and that is what it was used as today. That phrase made me feel not understood at all, mental health not understood at all. Me – am I broken? Am I not meant to be emotional about things that tug at my heart and my mind, things that are out of my control to sort out.

But at least it ended with a lovely catch up with one of my nearest and dearest. We both needed a vent and to get out our feelings rather than carry them onto the next day. I felt lighter but stronger after speaking to her and felt that I had this, whatever this is. Well a little bit more than I had felt earlier. The cold night’s sky getting through to my bones when I was cycling, really did genuinely make me feel alive.

….

And I blog and I write and I run and I photograph and I do anything to ease the feelings that live within me. I would do almost anything to stop myself from feeling as much as I do. Whether it’s anger, sadness, happiness or frustration that builds up within me, I don’t often know how to handle it. I don’t know how to make the emotions feel less. My world often feels to be taken over by feelings, either irrational or rational. They come and go as they please.

Since blogging more I’ve noticed that my brain is more engaged in feeling, processing the therapy sessions, just. This in itself is not particularly a bad thing if I was a normal person with a normal brain but alas I am not so it is not a good thing. As of late, I feel more on edge, crying a lot of the time and overthinking. Man, definitely all of the overthinking!

But more recently than not, the emotions are taking over and there is only so much distraction and time filling that I can do.

Drink peppermint tea, they said. Use your crisis plan, they said. Go for a run, they said. Listen to classical music, they said. Call the team for extra support, they said.

But nothing quite distracts enough and for a long enough period of time to stop the thoughts and feelings that run through my brain. The irrational, self- hating thoughts that run and drag me down. The repetitive, time consuming counting just to stop my brain from thinking thoughts. Yes, the distractions help but I can’t keep on pushing this away. Not this time. This feeling of sadness which resides within me. The constant aching heart and weakened soul. The fighting to be happy and to keep pushing through. Each day pushing, pushing and pushing until I can push no more. I can’t keep pushing it.

I’ve been on my run and had a bath and still the thoughts go full steam ahead. So again, for the second night in a row, it’s a peep show on repeat and a peppermint tea night, just to ease into the bed time routine.

No more nightmares tonight please brain.

Hangover blues

Does anyone else get this? That sadness that completely comes out of the blue after such an amazing night?! I mean come on, what’s that about? Is it about the world saying ” fuck you, you can’t be happy” or is it in fact a massive come down?!

I had such a wonderful time last night at the wedding reception and actually it was genuinely fantastic to not have that much to drink, to feel comfortable enough to just be me. The music was good enough, excellent in fact and the people were more than enough to stop me drinking heavily just to ease the social anxiety I had been feeling most of the day. The worry that I wouldn’t know what to say to people or how to act or what they are thinking about me and what I was wearing. I had a really fucking good craic last night, I kid you not.

And then this morning, out of the blue came the sadness and weirdly the need and want to self harm – these self-depreciating intrusive thoughts that just wouldn’t go despite how hard I tried to quell them. Normally, I have some kind of idea where these intrusive thoughts come from, an action or an event that causes my mind to flip over, but not this time. Not a scooby at all. The thoughts just popped in and then stayed. All motherfucking day. Proudly, I didn’t give in to these thoughts but they have been interrupting my thought process for too long today. Like little people inside my head saying “Just do it. You’ll feel better once you have. ” Images of self harm flashing across my mind and feeling like I’m making the wrong choice by not doing it.

But I forced myself out on a cycle ride to Richmond, a 6.5 mile cycle from mine one way and 6.5 miles back in the fresh, winter’s air. I stopped to take these photographs and to just marvel at the sun setting, easing itself into the night sky. And then I cycled back through Richmond park, cycling as fast as anything down the hill, my face and hands numb as cold as anything but like previously mentioned in a different post, welcome to feel anything at all.

The itch I can’t scratch is still there, over taking my mind so I guess a well needed early night with Lavender candles is needed for me, with Peep show on on to drown out those excessive thoughts and hope that I manage to get some sweet sleep tonight.

I know it – you’re all itching to hear about how therapy went.

Wow! Is that really what you are meant to feel like after a GOOD therapy session. I felt lighter, like a heavy load had been lifted off of me. I felt this sense of ease rush over me. And although I felt flat when I finished the therapy session rather than the usual elated / hyperness of detachment from emotions and feelings, as the day went on and on I became less stressed and more and more happy. Genuine happiness

Even though I felt incredibly sad in the session and my leg started bouncing to get rid off the sadness I think I did in fact work through a little bit of my emotions today. My therapist said to me at the end of the session today when we had literally 30 seconds to go, trying to make sure I’m grounded enough not to crash into a car or something or ride too fast down the hill. Anyways she said to me…….

Well done for today, I know that it was a hard session for you but you coped and used the session well.

I didn’t like the well done. It made me feel like I was a child so I retracted that from her but I did accept that I had worked hard today and you know what for once I do actually think the same as her. I carried on talking around the subject of my childhood, maybe not quite going into detail but at least not walking away from it or detaching from the emotions and feelings that are brought up when I think about it.

I feel I was brought up without a lot of the basics of life in my childhood love, care, support, food, electricity. living with an alcoholic almost absent father and a mum who did her best despite everything was goddamn hard.

Trust me, more than hard.

And I particularly feel I was not taught the initial skills of how to love, care and attach to people. Yet in adulthood I have to learn and process them. This whole therapy process is I guess, about me unlearning unhealthy patterns of behaviour, feeling, and attaching. I think I am finally getting it.

But today, I tried to stick with it, to try and figure out those feelings. I am a feeling person, so It’s incredibly difficult for me to work out why I feel something. I feel it just because I do. There is not thinking involved, I feel therefore it is. ( don’t worry, I know another BPD trait) I mean I know that is not reality, there are consequences for actions good or bad and one thing happens because of another but does that really happen with feelings? I’m not so sure. And I don’t know if I’ll ever truly believe it but at least today I tried to understand it!

I never thought I’d say this but cheers to therapy and cheers to getting it right for once.

Stay awesome people

x

Fridays

Hands shaky – check. Stomache rough – check. Jittery – check. Lack of concentration- check. Pacing – check. Heart beating too fast – check.

This can only mean one thing.

Therapy.

Waiting and hoping that something comes out today so I can regain my strength and my personality. So I can rejuvenate and feel alive.

Always hoping. Always trying to be better. Stay better.

Small steps leads to changes

Just a day, just another day where I felt like crying all day at work. Whereby I lost my shit, Whereby my emotions chopped and changed like the seas waves. Where I was angry, sad, impatient, happy, and stubborn. But just another day. Another day to get through and deal with.

But, here I am, at the end of the day writing, after having made it through.

“So far you’ve survived 100 percent of your worst days. So far you’re doing great”

And this quote is true, I am still here, still fighting. Fighting for my life to be better, To be more fulfilled. I do not wish for happiness at all time. I wish for moments of sanity and emotions that are not heightened at all times. I wish for moments of grey along with the colour. I do not wish for this black and white anymore life anymore.

And in order to do that, I need to do what I did today and have been trying to do all week to keep my head above water. Today again, I told my deputy at work that I was feeling sad and could she keep an eye out for me. Keep checking in and asking how I am. And you know what, she did. And at several points I thought I was going to lose my shit, but I kept on going. And then for the second time this week, I called my team for support. For a chat in order to manage my feelings and not do anything destructive. It helped a little if I’m honest. Tomorrow I have my individual therapy appointment and I’m not gonna lie it is well needed this week. I hope that I can manage to actually talk about what has gone on for me this week, how it’s made me feel and act.

I think I need to try and work out what makes me tick, what goes on for me when I encounter certain situations and emotions and those type of people who get inside my head with no escape apparent. I think I need to try to work out my past that I have to deal with at some point in my life, despite me thinking I could escape it.

Here’s to trying tomorrow.

Here’s to making it through another day.

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