Today, yes today Tuesday 7th January 2020, (it still feels weird to write that – I’ve been writing 2017 for the past 3 years), I did something different. I’ve been thinking a lot recently about my recent breakdown, although I now feel as though it has happened to someone else. It’s like looking through the glass at someonelse’s life and seeing that destruction but not actually knowing it was you and your life. I dunno, sometimes I get these moments, I mean not sometimes. A lot of the time I get these moments, whereby I don’t feel myself, that I am someone completely different to who I am. Disconnection from my thoughts, feelings, actions. It’s quite hard trying to remember your life when you are only in 65% of it.
Anyway, I digress. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the breakdown and how I don’t want to get to that stage again. The stage whereby I’m lifeless, numb, floating and disengaged from everyone and everything. So today at work, what I decided to do was in fact pop into the HR lady and ASK, yes ASK for support. I didn’t go into much detail about how bad things were but I did talk to her and try to pre empty me getting that bad again. I asked for more checking in from SLT because I am not one to ask for help, not from anyone. It makes me feel needy, which in turn makes me feel weak, vulnerable and that I cannot handle life. Now part of me knows it isn’t all those things but my screwed up, paranoid brain can’t help but see it like that. Anyone who knows me, knows that I find it extremely hard to ask for help so you know what, I am patting myself on the shoulder today and telling myself well done.
Andddddddd, actually, even after that. After a frustrating phone call to PIP, I went on a run. I’m going back to basics just to hopefully get me back into the pattern of running but it made me feel good. Made me feel even better that I ignored the lady and ran for 17 minutes straight just cos I needed to get my anger out. Running instead of self harm, I also call that a win.
Massive win for recovery today, I reckon.
“Be proud of every step that you take towards stability, no matter how big or small”
Jessica Anne Hardy
Katie's blog on life 