Katie's blog on life

Wednesday 15h January 2020

Today, I just got my head down and carried on. Just one of those days where ultimately I hid but also faced up to my anxieties.

Today at work a baby shower type thing losely was held for a member of staff who is heavily pregnant and leaving on Friday. Everyone else got told before and therefore bought food, drink, whatever was needed for the party but I was only told yesterday. that is too short notice for me, for sure.

I already felt bad about not giving money for a present and then I felt worse for not buying anything. Inside my own head I was thinking fuck it, no one is gonna miss me anyway. Is there any point in going?! So what I did was, I went and spoke to another person and I said look you know how it is, I struggle massively with groups, my social anxiety is already going through the roof just thinking about being in a room with that many people. How do you know what to talk about? How to follow the conversation. I was feeling anxious not only because of the amount of people fitting in a small space, the conversation starters I just mentioned but also because I am not so massively comfortable to eat with people whom I don’t know. I told her that this whole thing was really worrying me and so I definitely wasn’t going. I don’t need those extra emotions at the moement.

I literally don’t need that shit at the moment.

So, in the end I did do what I always do and avoided the thing that was causing me to feel those heightened emotions but I did in fact do something different, I used my words amd spoke to just one person, but one person is enough. I just had to tell someone what my beef was with it and how it was making me feel. Think that’s a win for me and I know in the grand scheme of things, talking probably doesn’t seem like much but to me it is. I quite often hold so much in that I end up exploding and then falling fast and deep into a well of negative emotions that this was in fact a +++.

And then I carried on my couch to 5K run despite my injury and then made a lovely dinner – Crab, prawn and courgette lingine if you are wondering. (It was delicious and you would have loved it) after a well needed bath because I needed to get those emotions out of my mind and out of my soul.

Now I’m in bed, hoping to be rested and ready for whatever the day brings tomorrow.

We got this ninja warriors!

And you try…….

And you try and you try . To help yourself get better and stronger and faster and fitter. And you keep going and keep going until it becomes routine or it breaks you. ‘Til you reach the end of no return. ‘Til your mind is altered one way or the other so you aren’t living in this grey area, this grey zone. You keep going until you can see not just in black and white but in colour. But is that true of a borderline, we quite often only see in black and white not shades of colour. That all or nothing thinking, those mood changes, the grappling with emotionality (yes I’m making that a word.) The moods we enter into, drastically changing from second to second, minute to minute, hour to hour. Unable to explain why it changes so rapidly but also unable to make people understand that this is just life, this is just how life is. I can’t quite cry but I can feel it, bubbling up in me until I explode into a fit of anger, one self destructive act. And I tell people, maybe I’m just tired, maybe I just need an early night but maybe what I am actually tired of is living a life ruled by extremes.

Extremes of everything – moods, food excercise, money, love, care, hurt. Tired of figuring shit out, yet wanting and waiting to be in that comfortable state which everyone else seems to be in. (Yes I am doing that BPD thing of jumping to extremes, of stating that it is this or that not the inbetween) .

I feel uncomfortable in my own skin today, not quite sure of what is happening and where my head lay. Of wanting and hoping that tomorrow will bring a better day, a different day with not so much good or bad, hate or love, happiness or anger. Just a normal day with normal emotions based on a normal life.

Today I’m all out of ideas.

Peace out x

I told you it was gonna be a hard mental health day

So yeah, as I mentioned this morning this was a very hard day for me. It was like my mind wouldn’t stop racing but I was so tired. Sick and tired of all this bullshit. I had group therapy which was hard, hard as fuck, which I walked out of. I walked out because it was too intense. We were talking about how my current living situation and how it is reminiscent of my childhood. No, there’s no good here.

But how my current situation has inflamed any of the thoughts, feelings and actions I thought I had left behind back then. How my current living situation led me to, I believe my recent breakdown, my recent fall into the abyss. How my current situation has taken me back to my tiny years, unable to cope. I am going to copy an exert from my blog which I had to write as soon as I walked out of the therapy room. Written at the height of emotion, of being scared, frightened, anxious. No there’s no correct grammer and there is plenty of spelling mistakes but it is blunt and emotional and at least I got it out.

Worried about living with uncertainty, worried about undigested emotions with Dad – just need to get all of this out. Cannot go back to not knowing how someone is going to behave head feels like it’s going to explode – too much pressure.Too much thoughts that make me feel like I can’t can’t not anymore lead me to destruction.Can’t get this feeling out. Head shaking, heart aching, stomache churning inside head – buzzing away – need loud noises. need to run away.
FLIGHT FLIGHT FLIGHT

It is angry, scared, lost and broekn, but I am proud of myself for doing something different today. Yes I did leave the therapy room, but no I did not self-harm by punching walls or cutting. No I did not hold on to those emotions, for all of the day. And yes I went back into the room, which I would never have done 2 months ago.

Feeling destroyed and a little bit more broken after today’s therapy session. And then I had a doctor’s appointment this evening whereby I explained well I’m either gonna have a breakdown or a breakthrough and I’ve already broken down so I guess the only thing I can do is break through. Wish me luck for the rest of the week and for Friday.

Here’s to not breaking down but battling through.

You know it’s going to be a mental health day when…..

You’ve been up since 5 am but didn’t sleep til gone 1. My mind was an anxious wreck, other thinking, unable to settle. I tossed and turned all night, not quite knowing when I was going to actually get some sleep. I tried counting sheep, listening to classical music, anything to keep my brain from wandering but to no avail. So, at 5:30, I decided. Fuck it. I’m going for a run, My gosh the energy that came out of me was crazy, just pushing me along, going, going, not stopping. My heart pounding but finally my restless mind was rested.

But i also know it’s going to be a difficult day because today I’m counting everything in seconds, filling the gaps with numbers. How long it takes to make a brew, how long the shampoo and conditioner are on for, how long to make a sandwich and get ready. The obsessive, restless part of my brain is still going strong and \i’m gonna have a hard day fighting it all day but I sure will try to fight it today and to do something different.

Happy Monday, you beautiful people!

No topic is off topic.

Sometimes all you need is to get back into the things you love, oh and for your period to come. I know this is too much information but after yesterday I thought I had rapidly dropped into decline again. I take such an interest in my ” bad ” spells that I over react. I worry constantly that this feeling sad is the beginning of a spiral that left me broken. I worry that my brain has turned on me again, for the millionth time in my life and I am not going to be able to get back to who I am. I mean, don’t get me wrong.

I know we are not made to be happy all the time and that life and recovery are not linear.

There will be ups and downs and grey areas. I fucking hate the grey areas. I find it hard to sit with just being okay. Because most of my life is lived in the extremes of emotions. I’m either happy or sad not that middle zone in-between.

Again, the joys of having Borderline.

But yay, my period came, and relief flooded over me. My brain wasn’t fucking up again. It is more than that. It is almost like a second, third, whatever chance to know I can work at recovery again. I can try to keep up my positive side and I can try again with engaging in life. I get soooo sucked in by the negative emotions that one blip like yesterday really could lose me for more than 2 months. Lost inside my own mind. It takes an awful lot of will and strength to fight my own mind everyday and I don’t think people quite realise what that inner strength is or maybe how I do it.

Anyway, again I go off piste. I went for a bike ride to a shop, that was evidently shut, but that bike ride, in itself was more than enough to break the spell. The warm sunshine on my face, the crisp, fresh air making my hands and face numb. Unable to speak but able to feel. I love when that happens. When I can feel the cold weather against me, actually making me feel something, something other than sadness or anger, happiness or pain. It is refreshing and not to be taken lightly.

After the bike ride, with my no pick n mix. I went to see ” The Gentlemen” in the cinema by myself because that was what I needed. It was rammed but I needed to get back in touch with myself, getting lost in an excellent film and just sitting, and being astray in something. Now, the film was just so good, very well written, perfect actors and actresses for the characters and enough humour to not make me get sad. I’ve just realised whilst writing this that I write about my brain in third person. This has been picked up in psychotherapy. It’s like I disconnect from myself and as if my brain in not infact my brain at all.

Enough rambling now, I’m happy that my day came and went as it did today and so now I am going to light a lavender candle, have a bath and catch an early one.

Apparently I’m doing a 5k before work tomorrow so um yeah, wish me luck I suppose.

Saturday Blues

Today, I cannot be arsed. I have little motivation and I have spent the afternoon lounging, with the TV on, but not quite taking it in. I did succeed in doing a run this morning, which did in fact make me feel great so I guess that was a positive for me. But after my shower I have been on the sofa playing games, on my phone, not quite being present. I’m not quite sure how I am currently feeling.

I feel a little in limbo today, unsure of what is going on and my concentration seems lack lustre.

I wanted to do sooo many things today and had options for choices with friends but after having yet another IBS flare up and a spectactularly bad night full of nightmares I feel a bit broken and lost if I;m honest. I’ve manged to avoid getting a take out or binge eating and I’m currently cooking a Katsu curry before I attempt to watch “you” on Netflix but I’m not terribly sure I have the concentration for it. Does anyone else get this, the lack of trying and just wanting to get back into bed.

By the way, I’m well aware that I am probably being too hard on myself. However I just feel like shit. I feel like I could cry and I’ve no idea why. Life seems more than a little bit too hard for me today and I wish to curl up in a ball. Do you know what I also feel like I need a cuddle, but not a chat.

Just a cuddle, someone to hold me and tell me it’s all going to be okay.

I think this is an emotional comedown from therapy yesterday and even though it was a good session ( I talked, tried and got involved), it also hit me hard on some unresolved issues that I know I need to talk about. However, I don’t know if I can talk about them at the moment. I did talk about my recent breakdown but it was if I was talking about someone else, another person that I watched go through that attempt. Even know just typing about it I feel low, and my heart has sunk. And I feel sad that I was even there. At the end of the session I was silly and hyper and avoiding feelings at all costs, avoiding being vulnerable and showing that part of me. My therapist realised and tried to ground me and I tried to get back on board but I was gone. And I think that hyper-ness carried on all day and into the vening and so now today, I feel like I’ve lost my shit all over again. I feel like what I need to do today is eat and go to bed and wake up tomorrow hopefully a completely different person.

This is the problem with BPD, I feel sooo much. I feel all the time.

And today, it is all a little too much for me to cope with.

Waiting for therapy

Sitting, waiting, trying to calm myself before entering the therapy room so I can help myself and talk.

BUT

the waiting room is full of people, wandering, with the same anxious feels inside them. The same people, looking like they’re going to be sick. The same people tapping their feet, pacing up and down the hall. And today I can’t sit with that. My stomache has already turned over 3 times and my legs shake shamelessly. I’m worried about what to say and what not to say. I always have a plan but it never comes out as that.

This is the real me. Scared, anxious and worried about what people think. The constant analysing of how I act and think is so destructive and won’t be calmed until I get in.

I think I’m already disconnected from my thoughts and feelings.

I need to try and get myself back in the zone. 5 minutes to go, 5 more minutes of feeling sick, 5 more minutes of waiting.

Pshhhhh.

Compliments and how to take them.

Today I got given several compliments from my friends about this actually, about blogging and it got me thinking about how I take them.

Receiving a compliment is not just the hardest thing. To me, what happens when I get given a compliment, the comment seems to go in my ears but bypasses my brain. And then I forget what has been said. It’s like I just cannot simply believe that another human being would be that wonderful towards me. To take the time to notice what I’ve been doing correctly, what great qualities I have that make me, me. To be honest, some of the time I don’t think I’m half bad. I look after and care for people like nothing else matters in the whole wide world. If we are fortunate enough to be friends, I will love you and care for you for all my life. I will do anything to see you happy. In my best moments, I am funny, honest, caring and lovely. But my brain feels like it is split in two most of the time and it is in those negative moments where my self depreciation goes, my self esteem falters and I am left with this disbelief that I am worth anything to anyone. This is where the lack of being able to take compliments comes in. However I can’t read compliments either, the same thing happens. The words completely and utterly disappear from my visual and audio space, both inner and outer. I think personally this is linked to love and care for myself which I have always found difficult to see. But self- love is a completely different topic for a completely different day.

That is, unfortunately a topic that I am no nearer to understanding and definitely a topic which I need to discuss in therapy before I even think of typing out loud.

So for now, when I’m given more than one compliment I try to say thank you and for now that is enough to get through.

The rat race is just not me

Today, no words. Just pictures or shortened words about how everything in London is all about the rat race. From the cyclists trying to beat you on the road to the people cramming on the tubes. I don’t think it’s me. I don’t think I’m made terribly well for this place. I ride slow, I don’t take the tube, I’m not about the competition or shitting on people to get further. London is a massive place full of tons of people yet it can feel so lonely. So miserable. So often I find myself feeling lost, scared and broken in this crazy city but then at times I feel as if I could go on for ever forever finding new food and greenery to take photographs.

Do you know what, I’m about the slow country walks, the music blasting in my ears, the connecting with people’s souls and seeing them entirely. I’m about riding my bike just, but also racing down hills. I am learning to live in the moment. I get caught up in emotions and feelings, unsure of how to express them.

Sorry, today my mind is just rambling. I feel as though my thoughts aren’t connected to each other and I’m just typing. Typing until the words run out of my mind or until the jumledness stops. Today it’s a 24 hours in police custody and peppermint tea night to calm my brain before work again tomorrow.

Sorry if I don’t make sense, today I’m tired and feeling good although I must say I feel a little unsure of myself.

Recovery win

Today, yes today Tuesday 7th January 2020, (it still feels weird to write that – I’ve been writing 2017 for the past 3 years), I did something different. I’ve been thinking a lot recently about my recent breakdown, although I now feel as though it has happened to someone else. It’s like looking through the glass at someonelse’s life and seeing that destruction but not actually knowing it was you and your life. I dunno, sometimes I get these moments, I mean not sometimes. A lot of the time I get these moments, whereby I don’t feel myself, that I am someone completely different to who I am. Disconnection from my thoughts, feelings, actions. It’s quite hard trying to remember your life when you are only in 65% of it.

Anyway, I digress. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the breakdown and how I don’t want to get to that stage again. The stage whereby I’m lifeless, numb, floating and disengaged from everyone and everything. So today at work, what I decided to do was in fact pop into the HR lady and ASK, yes ASK for support. I didn’t go into much detail about how bad things were but I did talk to her and try to pre empty me getting that bad again. I asked for more checking in from SLT because I am not one to ask for help, not from anyone. It makes me feel needy, which in turn makes me feel weak, vulnerable and that I cannot handle life. Now part of me knows it isn’t all those things but my screwed up, paranoid brain can’t help but see it like that. Anyone who knows me, knows that I find it extremely hard to ask for help so you know what, I am patting myself on the shoulder today and telling myself well done.

Andddddddd, actually, even after that. After a frustrating phone call to PIP, I went on a run. I’m going back to basics just to hopefully get me back into the pattern of running but it made me feel good. Made me feel even better that I ignored the lady and ran for 17 minutes straight just cos I needed to get my anger out. Running instead of self harm, I also call that a win.

Massive win for recovery today, I reckon.

“Be proud of every step that you take towards stability, no matter how big or small”
Jessica Anne Hardy